1. Dirk trying to impress some chick at work by helping
with a "Spanish Speaking" customer. Starts speaking
Spanish to this dude, only to get a confused look.
Dirk thinks he's hard of hearing, starts talking
loudly in Spanish at him. Guy backs away, it's made
apparent to Dirk that the guy is Vietnamese.
2. Kyle asking some big black dudes with expensive
watches on at John Barleycorn in Wrigleyville if they
were celebrities. Then asks the bartender which beer
has the most alcohol in it, and what shots are
strongest. The bartender avoids us the rest of the
night. Kyle then sticks me in the side of the leg
with his knife after I was irritating him about
something, causing my leg to bleed. Drago later says,
"He shanked you."
Monday, February 15, 2010
Random Weekend Highlights/Quotes
1. B spilling ranch dressing on the table, floor,
and himself.
2. B getting two straight stroke limit's on the
front 9 at FUD.
3. D, "How can you not like the NBA" while watching
the skills competition.
4. D striking up a conversation with the guy
working in the shitter about the greater Kankakee
area, then trying to get B to have the same
conversation.
5. Us worrying about our bill being over 3 bills.
6. "We could go to Slugger's, their sign says that on
Fri. and Sat. they have dueling pianos." B
7. After a lack of songs being played, D gets pissed
and starts yelling about how much both guys suck.
8. "Is there a problem?" "Yeah, you guys aren't
playing anything." "Ohh well, my partner here is
really drunk."
9. That guy screaming at the top of his lungs every 2
seconds, "BUSH LEAGUE!"
10. D gets fed up, says let's go, and then proceeds
to storm out of the place, getting our money back.
11. D then proceeds to tell anyone who would listen,
"Don't go in there, they suck. The guy is drunk,
don't spend your money."
12. After D calms down, we have a shot of Patron,
then play some FUD where B defeated D for the first
time.
13. In the cab on the way home, D strikes up a
conversation with the driver. "What language is
that?" "Pakistan." "How do you say fuck you in
Pakistan?"
14. After arriving back at B's place, B has to piss
like a racehorse, but D ties up the washroom by having
to take a massive dump.
15. B takes the elevator upstairs with intention of
pissing on the roof, but then thinks better of it.
16. D leaves a huge shit stain, and extremely foul
odor behind after shitting. B mentions the shit stain,
D follows with, "Don't worry, we'll pee it off."
Still laughing at that one.
17. Us going out to eat the following day, where D
says, "There's a lot of very flamboyant people in here
today."
18. "Man, I really gotta fart." B
19. After B shits himself in the vator, D goes, "Ohh
man, that sounded like you shit your pants, and it
smells horrific."
20. B getting irritated at D's cell phone for
ringing over and over when there's a voicemail left.
and himself.
2. B getting two straight stroke limit's on the
front 9 at FUD.
3. D, "How can you not like the NBA" while watching
the skills competition.
4. D striking up a conversation with the guy
working in the shitter about the greater Kankakee
area, then trying to get B to have the same
conversation.
5. Us worrying about our bill being over 3 bills.
6. "We could go to Slugger's, their sign says that on
Fri. and Sat. they have dueling pianos." B
7. After a lack of songs being played, D gets pissed
and starts yelling about how much both guys suck.
8. "Is there a problem?" "Yeah, you guys aren't
playing anything." "Ohh well, my partner here is
really drunk."
9. That guy screaming at the top of his lungs every 2
seconds, "BUSH LEAGUE!"
10. D gets fed up, says let's go, and then proceeds
to storm out of the place, getting our money back.
11. D then proceeds to tell anyone who would listen,
"Don't go in there, they suck. The guy is drunk,
don't spend your money."
12. After D calms down, we have a shot of Patron,
then play some FUD where B defeated D for the first
time.
13. In the cab on the way home, D strikes up a
conversation with the driver. "What language is
that?" "Pakistan." "How do you say fuck you in
Pakistan?"
14. After arriving back at B's place, B has to piss
like a racehorse, but D ties up the washroom by having
to take a massive dump.
15. B takes the elevator upstairs with intention of
pissing on the roof, but then thinks better of it.
16. D leaves a huge shit stain, and extremely foul
odor behind after shitting. B mentions the shit stain,
D follows with, "Don't worry, we'll pee it off."
Still laughing at that one.
17. Us going out to eat the following day, where D
says, "There's a lot of very flamboyant people in here
today."
18. "Man, I really gotta fart." B
19. After B shits himself in the vator, D goes, "Ohh
man, that sounded like you shit your pants, and it
smells horrific."
20. B getting irritated at D's cell phone for
ringing over and over when there's a voicemail left.
Saturday, February 13, 2010
Durty Nellies Highlights/Quotes
1. As B's driving to the hotel, D starts calling
every five minutes asking where he is, calling him
"Brokeback."
2. "Ohh my God, that is the gayest t-shirt ever." B
saying to D upon noticing D's t-shirt with a picture
of Kobe's face on the front, and the date of his 81
point game on the back.
3. Marti, Dean, and Ha coming back from the poo,
Marti lays on top of B with his wet swim suit,
causing wet spots on his shirt and jeans.
4. Dean breaks the cover of the air conditioner off,
then in an attempt to fix it, has his shorts pulled
down exposing his ass.
5. Dean asking B if every car in the parking lot is
his. "Hey BG, is that your Chevy Astro van....is
that your station wagon....is that your Escort?"
6. Bob, K, and D playing some weird game
featuring them hitting quarters against each other's
knuckles, causing them to bleed.
7. Marti taking about a half hour shower, drawing D's
criticism.
8. Marti stands up near the t.v., then falls forward
into the wall, nearly falling down. Party then tries
blaming it on tripping over the shoes that were
nearby.
9. Haw and Dean pulling out their hilarious "If it
ain't yours don't mess with it" impressions.
10. B asking Haw over and over why he doesn't just
stay at the hotel instead of driving home that night.
11. In the cab on the way to Nellies, Marti drops a
"N bomb", prompting D to say, "Hey, watch it back
there" sounded like an angry father yelling at his kid
in the back seat.
12. Harmon and Pence bragging about how they smoke
weed everyday.
13. When Journey's "Don't Stop Believin'" started
being played, D and Marti looked at each other with a
look as if someone had just told them they won a
million dollars.
14. During the song, B proceeds to play air guitar
and dance horribly.
15. B later dancing with some chick with a beer
bottle in each hand, chaw in mouth.
16. D giving B the door bell push on his chaw
numerous times.
17. B near the stage, yelling at the band to play
some Guns N Roses.
18. The foul odor that kept coming through the bar at
various times, smelled like a combination of shit and
sulfur.
19. Back at the hotel, B lays down to pass out, asks K
for his sleeping bag since he was in the bed. K gives
it to him, then wrestles it away a couple minutes
later, then gives B a shitty bed spread that wasn't
worth shit. Thanks K.
20. B waking up freezing his ass off, he proceeds to
take off his shirt and put his jacket on over his shirt.
As Dean later asked, "Why didn't u just keep the shirt
on for more warmth?"
21. B to Dean..."What's your e-mail Dean? Is it Dean at
hotmail?"
22. On our way out, Marti stops by the maid's cart in
the hall, then proceeds to grab several handfuls of
coffee packets and tosses them into his cooler.
23. After Marti tossed a newspaper from the front
desk into his cooler, he then asked, "Hey, can I get
one of those room evaluations." Some Hindu behind the
counter says they are in the rooms. "Ohh that's cool,
it was a good hotel, could use a microwave in the room
though." The guy behind the counter in his Hindu
voice says, "We cannot because of safety reasons."
24. During the night, some wetback hotel dude warns
us twice within the span of 10 minutes that we would
be kicked out for noise. "Alright guys, last
warning." As much as it would have sucked to sleep in
the car, it probably would have been warmer than the
floor.
every five minutes asking where he is, calling him
"Brokeback."
2. "Ohh my God, that is the gayest t-shirt ever." B
saying to D upon noticing D's t-shirt with a picture
of Kobe's face on the front, and the date of his 81
point game on the back.
3. Marti, Dean, and Ha coming back from the poo,
Marti lays on top of B with his wet swim suit,
causing wet spots on his shirt and jeans.
4. Dean breaks the cover of the air conditioner off,
then in an attempt to fix it, has his shorts pulled
down exposing his ass.
5. Dean asking B if every car in the parking lot is
his. "Hey BG, is that your Chevy Astro van....is
that your station wagon....is that your Escort?"
6. Bob, K, and D playing some weird game
featuring them hitting quarters against each other's
knuckles, causing them to bleed.
7. Marti taking about a half hour shower, drawing D's
criticism.
8. Marti stands up near the t.v., then falls forward
into the wall, nearly falling down. Party then tries
blaming it on tripping over the shoes that were
nearby.
9. Haw and Dean pulling out their hilarious "If it
ain't yours don't mess with it" impressions.
10. B asking Haw over and over why he doesn't just
stay at the hotel instead of driving home that night.
11. In the cab on the way to Nellies, Marti drops a
"N bomb", prompting D to say, "Hey, watch it back
there" sounded like an angry father yelling at his kid
in the back seat.
12. Harmon and Pence bragging about how they smoke
weed everyday.
13. When Journey's "Don't Stop Believin'" started
being played, D and Marti looked at each other with a
look as if someone had just told them they won a
million dollars.
14. During the song, B proceeds to play air guitar
and dance horribly.
15. B later dancing with some chick with a beer
bottle in each hand, chaw in mouth.
16. D giving B the door bell push on his chaw
numerous times.
17. B near the stage, yelling at the band to play
some Guns N Roses.
18. The foul odor that kept coming through the bar at
various times, smelled like a combination of shit and
sulfur.
19. Back at the hotel, B lays down to pass out, asks K
for his sleeping bag since he was in the bed. K gives
it to him, then wrestles it away a couple minutes
later, then gives B a shitty bed spread that wasn't
worth shit. Thanks K.
20. B waking up freezing his ass off, he proceeds to
take off his shirt and put his jacket on over his shirt.
As Dean later asked, "Why didn't u just keep the shirt
on for more warmth?"
21. B to Dean..."What's your e-mail Dean? Is it Dean at
hotmail?"
22. On our way out, Marti stops by the maid's cart in
the hall, then proceeds to grab several handfuls of
coffee packets and tosses them into his cooler.
23. After Marti tossed a newspaper from the front
desk into his cooler, he then asked, "Hey, can I get
one of those room evaluations." Some Hindu behind the
counter says they are in the rooms. "Ohh that's cool,
it was a good hotel, could use a microwave in the room
though." The guy behind the counter in his Hindu
voice says, "We cannot because of safety reasons."
24. During the night, some wetback hotel dude warns
us twice within the span of 10 minutes that we would
be kicked out for noise. "Alright guys, last
warning." As much as it would have sucked to sleep in
the car, it probably would have been warmer than the
floor.
St. Louis Highlights/Quotes
1. Some chick talking on the phone while Wac, Marti,
and B waited for the train to Busch. She yells into
the phone, "Jesus Christ!" Marti then responds,
"Yeeeeeees."
2. Paying 2.5 times face value for a bleacher ticket,
but still only thirty bucks, eight bucks cheaper than
a face value bleacher seat at Wrigley.
3. Marti offering his camera to B for 175 bucks,
then comes down to 150. B offers 20 bucks, Marti looks
at B with a look as if he'd seen a ghost.
4. Marti scoring two phone numbers, including one
from a high school chick going to graduate the
following day!
5. Wac getting pissed off that Marti successfully
scored some digits.
6. Wac saying to B in the bleachers about the high
school chick, "I keep noticing that she keeps
periodically sliding away from me, like this..." he
then demonstrates the slide by moving closer to her.
7. Marti, "Guys let's go, this game is over." As we
are walking towards Paddio's, we hear a loud crowd
reaction from the stadium, Cubs tie it up. Marti
apologizes, and is extremely pissed.
8. We go back into Busch later, some deuchebag points
at B after he spits some dip, and says there's no
dipping, then walks away. Wac, "I guess it must be
fuckin' family night again."
9. Some Cardinal fans taking offense at Marti's trash
talk after the Cubs victory.
10. Dirk saying he can get a hit off Santana if you
gave him 50 at bats. Wac and D get thoroughly
disgusted.
11. At 5:30am, it's light out, B proceeds to step on
the back porch with nothing on but boxers and take a
whiz off the porch.
12. Marti in the bleachers, "So-Touch-My-Couchie."
13. Dirk having a King Kong Bundy sized hangover
after polishing off a bottle of Jack the previous
night.
14. In the liquor store when Dirk and B went to pick
up the keg, some dude asks the chick behind the
counter, "So, it gets pretty hot in your country this
time of year doesn't it?" Dirk and B laughing about
it while waiting to load up the keg.
15. B, "Ahh, Dirk says to cancel his beer." Marti,
"That's fine, cause we didn't order him a fuckin' beer
anyway." A couple kids are right by.
16. Marti sunbathing in only his boxers, D looks out
the window at him, "Ohh my Lord."
17. Waylon coming out in the backyard, drops a half
dozen turds while doing a lap around the yard.
18. Wac, "This backyard smells like shit, I'm looking
at shit, listening to shit on the radio.." Radio was
playing the Cubs kicking the Cards ass.
19. Wac gettting pissed off while playing washers,
finds a stick on the ground and whips the shit out of
the side of the garage.
20. Marti, "Where else would you want to be?" Wac,
"Playboy Mansion."
21. Waylon and Ace "Ace In The Hole" licking each
other's dicks while playing. Someone saying, I forget
who, "K-9 Brokeback Mountain."
22. D and B in their futile attempt to get charcoal.
Instead they inadvertently get a driving tour of the
zoo and forest preserve.
23. Wac's cousin's friend bringing down Dirk's guitar
and amp and giving an impromtu concert. D says,
"It's Wacapolooza." Later the guitar is left on top
of the garbage can.
24. B sitting in the chair, totally wasted with
glassed over eyes.
25. B goes upstairs to pass out in Dirk's room, Dirk
comes in, "B are you all right?" "Yeah, I think I'm
fine."
26. Wac doing a Ravishing Rick Rude dance with the
tiki torch, pants falling down.
27. One of Wac's cousins friends, passed out with his
mouth open. Marti drops a tic tac in his mouth.
28. Ace In The Hole, dropping two logs on the carpet,
then circles around and pisses in the spot. Wac's
cousin dying laughing. Marti, "He's shitting, ohh now
he's pissing!"
29. Wac, "What the fuck, I paid 80 bucks for this
carpet at Carpets of America." "It's time this house
gets respected."
30. Marti, "What are you, a rabbit?"
31. Wac shaking a street sign, pants fall down and
his ass is exposed.
32. On B's way home, he stops in Atlanta for gas and to
piss. Bathroom smells like shit, B starts pissing, not
thinking anyone else is in there, then says out loud to
himself, "Man, smells like something died in here."
Then B hears some rustling from the stall, someone is
in there taking a dump. B quickly washes his hands, pays
for the gas, and hightails it back on 55 North!
and B waited for the train to Busch. She yells into
the phone, "Jesus Christ!" Marti then responds,
"Yeeeeeees."
2. Paying 2.5 times face value for a bleacher ticket,
but still only thirty bucks, eight bucks cheaper than
a face value bleacher seat at Wrigley.
3. Marti offering his camera to B for 175 bucks,
then comes down to 150. B offers 20 bucks, Marti looks
at B with a look as if he'd seen a ghost.
4. Marti scoring two phone numbers, including one
from a high school chick going to graduate the
following day!
5. Wac getting pissed off that Marti successfully
scored some digits.
6. Wac saying to B in the bleachers about the high
school chick, "I keep noticing that she keeps
periodically sliding away from me, like this..." he
then demonstrates the slide by moving closer to her.
7. Marti, "Guys let's go, this game is over." As we
are walking towards Paddio's, we hear a loud crowd
reaction from the stadium, Cubs tie it up. Marti
apologizes, and is extremely pissed.
8. We go back into Busch later, some deuchebag points
at B after he spits some dip, and says there's no
dipping, then walks away. Wac, "I guess it must be
fuckin' family night again."
9. Some Cardinal fans taking offense at Marti's trash
talk after the Cubs victory.
10. Dirk saying he can get a hit off Santana if you
gave him 50 at bats. Wac and D get thoroughly
disgusted.
11. At 5:30am, it's light out, B proceeds to step on
the back porch with nothing on but boxers and take a
whiz off the porch.
12. Marti in the bleachers, "So-Touch-My-Couchie."
13. Dirk having a King Kong Bundy sized hangover
after polishing off a bottle of Jack the previous
night.
14. In the liquor store when Dirk and B went to pick
up the keg, some dude asks the chick behind the
counter, "So, it gets pretty hot in your country this
time of year doesn't it?" Dirk and B laughing about
it while waiting to load up the keg.
15. B, "Ahh, Dirk says to cancel his beer." Marti,
"That's fine, cause we didn't order him a fuckin' beer
anyway." A couple kids are right by.
16. Marti sunbathing in only his boxers, D looks out
the window at him, "Ohh my Lord."
17. Waylon coming out in the backyard, drops a half
dozen turds while doing a lap around the yard.
18. Wac, "This backyard smells like shit, I'm looking
at shit, listening to shit on the radio.." Radio was
playing the Cubs kicking the Cards ass.
19. Wac gettting pissed off while playing washers,
finds a stick on the ground and whips the shit out of
the side of the garage.
20. Marti, "Where else would you want to be?" Wac,
"Playboy Mansion."
21. Waylon and Ace "Ace In The Hole" licking each
other's dicks while playing. Someone saying, I forget
who, "K-9 Brokeback Mountain."
22. D and B in their futile attempt to get charcoal.
Instead they inadvertently get a driving tour of the
zoo and forest preserve.
23. Wac's cousin's friend bringing down Dirk's guitar
and amp and giving an impromtu concert. D says,
"It's Wacapolooza." Later the guitar is left on top
of the garbage can.
24. B sitting in the chair, totally wasted with
glassed over eyes.
25. B goes upstairs to pass out in Dirk's room, Dirk
comes in, "B are you all right?" "Yeah, I think I'm
fine."
26. Wac doing a Ravishing Rick Rude dance with the
tiki torch, pants falling down.
27. One of Wac's cousins friends, passed out with his
mouth open. Marti drops a tic tac in his mouth.
28. Ace In The Hole, dropping two logs on the carpet,
then circles around and pisses in the spot. Wac's
cousin dying laughing. Marti, "He's shitting, ohh now
he's pissing!"
29. Wac, "What the fuck, I paid 80 bucks for this
carpet at Carpets of America." "It's time this house
gets respected."
30. Marti, "What are you, a rabbit?"
31. Wac shaking a street sign, pants fall down and
his ass is exposed.
32. On B's way home, he stops in Atlanta for gas and to
piss. Bathroom smells like shit, B starts pissing, not
thinking anyone else is in there, then says out loud to
himself, "Man, smells like something died in here."
Then B hears some rustling from the stall, someone is
in there taking a dump. B quickly washes his hands, pays
for the gas, and hightails it back on 55 North!
Thursday, February 4, 2010
Cubs - Tigers Highlights/Quotes
1. D calling and leaving a voicemail for B while he's
at work. "B, we're hear at Bernie's, in the beer
garden, and K just said that he has to pee and fart.
He just waddled over to the port-o-potty to complete
the deed."
2. K's game to the hot, tall chick. "How tall are
you?" Stand on his tip toes. "Ahh, I'm still not as
tall as you." Later in the weekend K claims that she
was digging him.
3. B apparently successfully spitting game at the
thick chick, but then pussing out to go home due to a
bad headache. Later, B admits that had he known he
was in he wouldn't have done that.
4. D calling B at quarter to 4, with this classic.
"B, I tried calling you numerous times, but you flat
out didn't answer. The girl said you were cute, you
could have been laid tonight." D said "flat out" 4
times.
5. Some fat black chick exposing her tits at Weiner
Circle.
6. K furiously scratching his face at the girls
place. "These damn cats." D follows with, "Shaving
might help." K gives him a "fuck you" look.
7. D, "B, meet us at Murphy's at 12:15, we'll be
there." B, "Uh huh." "Is that how you end a
conversation, with uh huh?"
8. K's message, "You're probably at the gym, or doing
something really stupid."
9. K to Bob when he got to Murphy's, "You look like
an old man." Bob had his Grace jersey tucked in,
shorts pulled up.
10. "Message from 815-272...." D, "That's not my
number." D and B die laughing after that comment.
11. B pulls out his wallet, K goes, "Look at that, it's
the George Costanza wallet." B, "It's a little
thick, I just cleaned it out." D, "Uhh, you need to
do it again." D and B shit themselves laughing again.
12. B majorly sweating this incredibly hot chick in
a Tigers t-shirt. B would've ripped that thing off with
his teeth.
13. D getting very annoyed when B kept telling him he
was wearing his Jimmy Buffett t-shirt to the graduation
party.
14. After B got annoyed at the idea of the graduation
party, D goes, "It's not gonna be a cake and ice cream
party B."
15. K wearing the shirt with B's two finga and a thumb
pic on the front, the one with B pulling his ear on
the back. K then shows it to one of the girls, she
has a look of total confusion. Either she was
confused by B's ridiculous photo ops, or that K would
wear that out to a bar, or both.
16. Bob drinking a beer in the shower at B's place.
17. B sitting and chilling with a cocktail on the
back porch at the chicks place. One of the girls
comes out and asks why he's sitting out by himself. B
says, "It's nice as hell out, I thought everyone was
coming out." She then grabs him by the hand, and leads
me back in. B says, "What the hell, we have all winter
to sit inside." She didn't respond.
18. B taking a piss in the alley, then hosing down
the front stoop with passing cars and pedestrians by
the building. Luckily nobody saw him, at least he thinks
no one did.
19. B locks himself out, calls Bob a couple times for
him to let B in. After some confusion as to where B
was, Bob let's him in.
20. D starts drinking Jack, things go downhill.
21. D tells the girls this is the worst party ever,
insinuates that they are bitches.
22. The deuchebag that was talking to the parents
about sex. Who does that?
23. Ironic item of the weekend. D giving B a ton of
shit for dipping early Friday night, saying B could
have been laid, then gets all of us black marked with
his commentary about the party and the girls
themselves.
24. D and K yelling at each other on the street, as
we were walking aimlessly.
25. B doing my hip-hop dance at Hi-Tops.
Surprisingly no females seemed blown away by it.
26. D doing some ass grindin' with some random
chick.
27. Bob and B walking home from the burrito place,
felt like they walked 10 miles.
28. Marti informs B that, "Dave left 3 messages on
my phone, none of them made any sense."
29. B, "What's that dog doing inside here." D,
"That's a seeing eye dog you moron. What do you think
this is show and tell day at the I-Hop."
30. And finally, B thinks a new record might have been
set for the amount of times, "Huh....homework" was
said.
at work. "B, we're hear at Bernie's, in the beer
garden, and K just said that he has to pee and fart.
He just waddled over to the port-o-potty to complete
the deed."
2. K's game to the hot, tall chick. "How tall are
you?" Stand on his tip toes. "Ahh, I'm still not as
tall as you." Later in the weekend K claims that she
was digging him.
3. B apparently successfully spitting game at the
thick chick, but then pussing out to go home due to a
bad headache. Later, B admits that had he known he
was in he wouldn't have done that.
4. D calling B at quarter to 4, with this classic.
"B, I tried calling you numerous times, but you flat
out didn't answer. The girl said you were cute, you
could have been laid tonight." D said "flat out" 4
times.
5. Some fat black chick exposing her tits at Weiner
Circle.
6. K furiously scratching his face at the girls
place. "These damn cats." D follows with, "Shaving
might help." K gives him a "fuck you" look.
7. D, "B, meet us at Murphy's at 12:15, we'll be
there." B, "Uh huh." "Is that how you end a
conversation, with uh huh?"
8. K's message, "You're probably at the gym, or doing
something really stupid."
9. K to Bob when he got to Murphy's, "You look like
an old man." Bob had his Grace jersey tucked in,
shorts pulled up.
10. "Message from 815-272...." D, "That's not my
number." D and B die laughing after that comment.
11. B pulls out his wallet, K goes, "Look at that, it's
the George Costanza wallet." B, "It's a little
thick, I just cleaned it out." D, "Uhh, you need to
do it again." D and B shit themselves laughing again.
12. B majorly sweating this incredibly hot chick in
a Tigers t-shirt. B would've ripped that thing off with
his teeth.
13. D getting very annoyed when B kept telling him he
was wearing his Jimmy Buffett t-shirt to the graduation
party.
14. After B got annoyed at the idea of the graduation
party, D goes, "It's not gonna be a cake and ice cream
party B."
15. K wearing the shirt with B's two finga and a thumb
pic on the front, the one with B pulling his ear on
the back. K then shows it to one of the girls, she
has a look of total confusion. Either she was
confused by B's ridiculous photo ops, or that K would
wear that out to a bar, or both.
16. Bob drinking a beer in the shower at B's place.
17. B sitting and chilling with a cocktail on the
back porch at the chicks place. One of the girls
comes out and asks why he's sitting out by himself. B
says, "It's nice as hell out, I thought everyone was
coming out." She then grabs him by the hand, and leads
me back in. B says, "What the hell, we have all winter
to sit inside." She didn't respond.
18. B taking a piss in the alley, then hosing down
the front stoop with passing cars and pedestrians by
the building. Luckily nobody saw him, at least he thinks
no one did.
19. B locks himself out, calls Bob a couple times for
him to let B in. After some confusion as to where B
was, Bob let's him in.
20. D starts drinking Jack, things go downhill.
21. D tells the girls this is the worst party ever,
insinuates that they are bitches.
22. The deuchebag that was talking to the parents
about sex. Who does that?
23. Ironic item of the weekend. D giving B a ton of
shit for dipping early Friday night, saying B could
have been laid, then gets all of us black marked with
his commentary about the party and the girls
themselves.
24. D and K yelling at each other on the street, as
we were walking aimlessly.
25. B doing my hip-hop dance at Hi-Tops.
Surprisingly no females seemed blown away by it.
26. D doing some ass grindin' with some random
chick.
27. Bob and B walking home from the burrito place,
felt like they walked 10 miles.
28. Marti informs B that, "Dave left 3 messages on
my phone, none of them made any sense."
29. B, "What's that dog doing inside here." D,
"That's a seeing eye dog you moron. What do you think
this is show and tell day at the I-Hop."
30. And finally, B thinks a new record might have been
set for the amount of times, "Huh....homework" was
said.
Football Draft Weekend Highlights/Quotes
1. Wac asking Marti to hook him up with his sister.
2. Dirk making out with the girl he referred to as
pizza face, later referred to as pepperoni face on the
sidewalk outside Casey Moran's.
3. Dirk later nailing pepperoni face, and being
ashamed the next day.
4. Marti passing out in my room before scoring with
pepperoni face's friend.
5. D swoops in on pepperoni face's friend.
6. Marti failing to tackle D down the side of a hill,
then proceeds to slide feet first into a flower bed.
7. While waiting for the elevator, Wac grabs a mop
and starts mopping the floor outside the elevator.
8. Marti getting naked, proceeds to lay down between
D and B in my bed.
9. B then saying, "Ohh God, this has to stop."
10. Marti standing next to my window, naked, while
talking on the phone.
11. D, "I gotta take a shower, grab a beer, wash my
dick off."
12. D insisting he was going to sleep in B's bed each
night, unfortunately he did.
13. B's great college football predictions, "Take
Arkansas and the points, NIU and the points, and take
Miami to cover." All losers.
14. Dirk calling B "Skateboard B" all weekend.
15. K insisting that B keeps cooking one pizza after
another during the ND game, even though there were 2
cooked pizza's chilling on the counter that hadn't
been touched yet.
16. B burning his elbow on the inside part of the
oven door.
17. A total mess of straw all over the floor from B's
fake tree. B asks Marti, "Did you go on a Dubbya
Dubbya II mission last night?" Marti, "I don't think
I did."
18. B asking K about 5 times if he liked his t.v.
19. Wac, when seeing a hot chick, always goes,
"Dammit." Walk into Red Ivy, Wac says, "There's a lot
of dammit's in here."
20. Marti urinating in the blue garbage can in B's
living room.
21. Dirk and B having to hand scoop out the garbage,
since the bag was too big to fit in the trash chute
door. All this disgusting water was coming out, turns
out to be stale beer and Marti's piss.
22. B singing, "I'm Charles Rogers, I scored 17
touchdowns and something something."
23. Big Ben sleeping through the middle of the draft,
being woken up by D each time he's on deck. Ben keeps
asking about 20 different players each time, D keeps
responding, "He gone, he gone." Finally when a player
was there, Big Ben, "I'll take him!"
24. Marti ripping on D numerous times for taking
Brett Favre in the 9th round.
25. Why did B take Rex Grossman, prompting K to rip
on him endlessly.
26. B proclaiming himself the best fantasy host ever.
27. Marti and Coad taking a half dozen porno's as
parting gifts.
28. Big Ben spending an hour in the middle of the
night trying to figure out how to watch porn on DVD,
gave up and went back to sleep.
29. Marti yelling back and forth with one of the
chicks from Mo-Town in the garage.
30. Dirk getting lost on the way home from
Wrigleyville, asking a cab driver where the lake is,
"Ohh man, you gotta go way East!"
31. Marti rekindling the drunkeness by pounding beers
Monday morning.
32. Dirk forgets his phone charger in B's place, then
forgets it in D's car after being dropped off at
Midway.
33. Coad sharting his pants on the way home, wipes
his ass with a napkin, tosses it out the sunroof.
34. D and B laughing about it later, D says, "Can you
imagine how bad that car must have smelled?"
35. While B's going around picking up shit at his
place, he leans over and hears a tearing sounds, "Ohh
Christ, I just ripped my shorts."
2. Dirk making out with the girl he referred to as
pizza face, later referred to as pepperoni face on the
sidewalk outside Casey Moran's.
3. Dirk later nailing pepperoni face, and being
ashamed the next day.
4. Marti passing out in my room before scoring with
pepperoni face's friend.
5. D swoops in on pepperoni face's friend.
6. Marti failing to tackle D down the side of a hill,
then proceeds to slide feet first into a flower bed.
7. While waiting for the elevator, Wac grabs a mop
and starts mopping the floor outside the elevator.
8. Marti getting naked, proceeds to lay down between
D and B in my bed.
9. B then saying, "Ohh God, this has to stop."
10. Marti standing next to my window, naked, while
talking on the phone.
11. D, "I gotta take a shower, grab a beer, wash my
dick off."
12. D insisting he was going to sleep in B's bed each
night, unfortunately he did.
13. B's great college football predictions, "Take
Arkansas and the points, NIU and the points, and take
Miami to cover." All losers.
14. Dirk calling B "Skateboard B" all weekend.
15. K insisting that B keeps cooking one pizza after
another during the ND game, even though there were 2
cooked pizza's chilling on the counter that hadn't
been touched yet.
16. B burning his elbow on the inside part of the
oven door.
17. A total mess of straw all over the floor from B's
fake tree. B asks Marti, "Did you go on a Dubbya
Dubbya II mission last night?" Marti, "I don't think
I did."
18. B asking K about 5 times if he liked his t.v.
19. Wac, when seeing a hot chick, always goes,
"Dammit." Walk into Red Ivy, Wac says, "There's a lot
of dammit's in here."
20. Marti urinating in the blue garbage can in B's
living room.
21. Dirk and B having to hand scoop out the garbage,
since the bag was too big to fit in the trash chute
door. All this disgusting water was coming out, turns
out to be stale beer and Marti's piss.
22. B singing, "I'm Charles Rogers, I scored 17
touchdowns and something something."
23. Big Ben sleeping through the middle of the draft,
being woken up by D each time he's on deck. Ben keeps
asking about 20 different players each time, D keeps
responding, "He gone, he gone." Finally when a player
was there, Big Ben, "I'll take him!"
24. Marti ripping on D numerous times for taking
Brett Favre in the 9th round.
25. Why did B take Rex Grossman, prompting K to rip
on him endlessly.
26. B proclaiming himself the best fantasy host ever.
27. Marti and Coad taking a half dozen porno's as
parting gifts.
28. Big Ben spending an hour in the middle of the
night trying to figure out how to watch porn on DVD,
gave up and went back to sleep.
29. Marti yelling back and forth with one of the
chicks from Mo-Town in the garage.
30. Dirk getting lost on the way home from
Wrigleyville, asking a cab driver where the lake is,
"Ohh man, you gotta go way East!"
31. Marti rekindling the drunkeness by pounding beers
Monday morning.
32. Dirk forgets his phone charger in B's place, then
forgets it in D's car after being dropped off at
Midway.
33. Coad sharting his pants on the way home, wipes
his ass with a napkin, tosses it out the sunroof.
34. D and B laughing about it later, D says, "Can you
imagine how bad that car must have smelled?"
35. While B's going around picking up shit at his
place, he leans over and hears a tearing sounds, "Ohh
Christ, I just ripped my shorts."
Highlights of 2006
From the sports world:
1. Dusty Baker and Andy MacPhail getting fired.
2. Joe Paterno running off the field to take a shit.
3. Joe Paterno getting his knee blown out, then later
on the Penn State injury report, ABC listed, "Paterno:
Knee"
4. Dusty Baker towards the end of the season claiming
that he isn't getting fired, and he's not quitting.
5. Carmelo Anthony's sucker punch, then runs away.
6. Kobe and the Lakers being eliminated in round 1.
7. The Cubs signing Soriano.
8. The Cardinals winning the World Series, although
that's actually a lowlight.
9. Bears on the their way to a 14-2 season, hopefully
will end with a win in Miami.
10. Ozzie Guillen calling Jay Mariotti a fag.
11. Michael Barrett's punch on A.J. Pierzynski.
12. Pierzynski's game winning home run onto Sheffield
Avenue later that year.
13. One of the Cubs players claiming that Joey Cora
bit him during the brawl following Barrett's punch.
14. Dennis Green's postgame tirade after his team
blew the game to the Bears.
15. The Yankees choking once again in the playoffs.
16. Notre Dame getting blasted in their only 2 tough
games of the year, USC and Michigan.
17. The USC-Texas national title game.
Quotes/Highlight's from the year:
1. B talking to D on baseball's opening day, seeing
a highlight of David Ortiz hitting a home run, trying
to rap like Jay Z, "Hey Papi, even if you don't
understand the flow, please let me know, I'll try to
help you out, and then all the ladies start screaming
Hey Pappi!"
2. In STL, B, Wac, and Marti are waiting for the
train to Busch Stadium, some chick yells into her
phone, "Jesus Christ!", Marti then stands up, raises
his hand and yells out, "Yeeeeees!"
3. Haw bragging about showing some female politician
our fantasy league, which led to some people wondering
if he showed her all of Marti's drunken postings.
4. At the hotel before seeing the 80's cover band at
Durty Nellie's, Dean knocks the cover off the AC unit,
then tries to put it back on with half his ass hanging
out of his pants.
5. B screaming at the band to play Guns N Roses
music, he was ignored.
6. Marti taking all the soaps, shampoo's, pen's, and
pads of paper from the room, then takes all the
instant coffee packets off the maid's cart. Finally,
he swipes the newspaper at the front counter.
7. B standing behind the backstop at his park,
watching his co-ed softball league on a Thursday
evening. Some chick on one of the teams comes over
and starts talking to him, B starts thinking, "She's
pretty cute, I wonder what her deal is." After some
more talking, B asks her why she doesn't play on her
parents team. She then responds with, "Well, I'm
actually too young to be in this league." The league
is for 18 and older. B immediately thinks, "Ohh no."
I then ask her how old she is. She responds with
"15". B then thinks of himself as a potential cradle
robber. Ha ha ha!
8. D calling B during the middle of the night, after
B decided to bail and go home from Casey Moran's in
Wrigleyville. D, "B, I tried calling you numerous
times, but you flat out didn't answer. I don't get it
B, you could have been laid tonight." D tries to tell
B that this chick was ripe for the taking, a claim B
still thinks is horseshit.
9. K getting a titty flash from some fat black chick
behind the counter at the Weiner Circle, a popular
Lincoln Park hot dog place.
10. B sweating this hot chick in a Tigers t-shirt at
Murphy's before the Cubs-Tigers game, D then says,
"Jesus Christ B, stop sweating that chick and do
something about it."
11. Us getting invited to a graduation party in
Lincoln Park, B's not thrilled with it. D tries to
reason with me saying, "It's not going to be a cake
and ice cream party B."
12. At the party, some weird dude is talking about
sex with the graduates parents.
13. D eventually starts breaking into the Jack
Daniels, bad things happen. D, "This is the worst
party I've ever been to. I thought we met some cool
bitches last night." Keep in mind these comments were
directed right to the chicks.
14. B outside while this is happening, taking a piss
on the front stoop. He locks himself out, Bob eventually
finds him after about 3 phone calls.
15. K and D arguing on the way home, K thinking D
blew his chances with any of the chicks. Later Bob
wants to go back there, prompting K to say, "No man,
that ship has sailed."
16. Marti sunbathing in only his boxers in Wac's
backyard. Prompting D to say, "Ohh my Lord!"
17. Wac getting pissed off while playing washers,
takes a stick and repeatedly whips the shit out of the
side of the garage.
18. Dirk having polished off a bottle of Jack Daniels
the previous night, had a King Kong Bundy sized
hangover the next day. "I'm laying in bed, my heart's
racing, and I'm sweating."
19. Waylon and Ace licking each other's dick in the
backyard. Fuckstick then says, "Hey it's K-9
Brokeback Mountain!"
20. One of the funniest moments of the year. "Hey
Dirk, can I bring down your guitar and amp?" "Yeah
sure." I don't know who it was, but he proceeded to
put on an impromtu concert, featuring "Enter Sandman"
riffs. "Hey it's Wacapoloooza!" Later the guitar is
left on top of a garbage can.
21. The next day Ace In The Hole, takes a shit and
piss on Wac's carpet. Marti, "He's shitting, ohhhhhh
now he's pissing!" Wac, "What the hell, I paid 80
bucks for this at Carpets of America. It's time this
house gets respected." B and some other dude
laugh hysterically over Carpets of America.
22. B stopping to take a piss at a gas station in
Atlanta, IL, saying out loud in the washroom, "Man
this bathroom smells like death." B then hears someone
in the stall taking a shit.
23. The Bobby Knight video, maybe the greatest e-mail
video of all time.
24. K and B meeting some chicks at Slugger's the
night before the 4th of July. They hang out with them
the next day on the 4th. They are then treated to one
of the girl's talking about burning herself, inhaling
toxic fumes, and nearly burning down the lab she works
at. Another one, a very large unattractive girl talks
about once having sex in a gas station bathroom.
25. The weekend to end all weekends: Wac mopping the
floor in B's building after a long night at the bar.
Marti taking a whiz in the garbage can in B's place,
sliding into a flower bed, laying down naked between
B and D, standing next to the window naked while
talking on the phone, and passing out at one point
face down on the hardwood floor. Dirk nailing a chick
he later referred to as "Pepperoni Face." Dirk,
"That's B's place right over there, I see it." A 15
dollar cab ride back here followed. Big Ben passed
out during most of the draft, D nudges him, "Hey, it's
your pick." After about 10 different names that Ben
says that are already gone, one is finally available,
"I'll take him!" B sitting on the couch watching the
t.v., big chaw in mouth, listening to the IPod while
Marti is passed out on the floor. Coad, "Hey guys
turn the radio down." He then sharts his pants, wipes
his ass with a Burger King napkin, tosses it out the
sunroof.
26. At some bar in Bloomington, Marti screams out
"Fumble!" during the Michigan-Penn State game.
Everyone in the bar turns and stares at the Party.
27. At Daddio's, once again B yells, "Play some Guns N
Roses or Metallica" at the band.
28. Piss Hair going into a gas station in
Bloomington, forgets what he went in for.
29. B having a massive hangover the next day after
ISU's homecoming, stumbling out of Marti's place,
saying to Marti's roommate and girlfriend sitting on
the couch, "Hey what's up guys?" They gave me a look
as if to say, "Who the fuck is that guy?"
30. While cleaning up after the weekend to end all
weekends, B hears a tearing sound. "Ohh shit, I think
I just ripped my shorts."
1. Dusty Baker and Andy MacPhail getting fired.
2. Joe Paterno running off the field to take a shit.
3. Joe Paterno getting his knee blown out, then later
on the Penn State injury report, ABC listed, "Paterno:
Knee"
4. Dusty Baker towards the end of the season claiming
that he isn't getting fired, and he's not quitting.
5. Carmelo Anthony's sucker punch, then runs away.
6. Kobe and the Lakers being eliminated in round 1.
7. The Cubs signing Soriano.
8. The Cardinals winning the World Series, although
that's actually a lowlight.
9. Bears on the their way to a 14-2 season, hopefully
will end with a win in Miami.
10. Ozzie Guillen calling Jay Mariotti a fag.
11. Michael Barrett's punch on A.J. Pierzynski.
12. Pierzynski's game winning home run onto Sheffield
Avenue later that year.
13. One of the Cubs players claiming that Joey Cora
bit him during the brawl following Barrett's punch.
14. Dennis Green's postgame tirade after his team
blew the game to the Bears.
15. The Yankees choking once again in the playoffs.
16. Notre Dame getting blasted in their only 2 tough
games of the year, USC and Michigan.
17. The USC-Texas national title game.
Quotes/Highlight's from the year:
1. B talking to D on baseball's opening day, seeing
a highlight of David Ortiz hitting a home run, trying
to rap like Jay Z, "Hey Papi, even if you don't
understand the flow, please let me know, I'll try to
help you out, and then all the ladies start screaming
Hey Pappi!"
2. In STL, B, Wac, and Marti are waiting for the
train to Busch Stadium, some chick yells into her
phone, "Jesus Christ!", Marti then stands up, raises
his hand and yells out, "Yeeeeees!"
3. Haw bragging about showing some female politician
our fantasy league, which led to some people wondering
if he showed her all of Marti's drunken postings.
4. At the hotel before seeing the 80's cover band at
Durty Nellie's, Dean knocks the cover off the AC unit,
then tries to put it back on with half his ass hanging
out of his pants.
5. B screaming at the band to play Guns N Roses
music, he was ignored.
6. Marti taking all the soaps, shampoo's, pen's, and
pads of paper from the room, then takes all the
instant coffee packets off the maid's cart. Finally,
he swipes the newspaper at the front counter.
7. B standing behind the backstop at his park,
watching his co-ed softball league on a Thursday
evening. Some chick on one of the teams comes over
and starts talking to him, B starts thinking, "She's
pretty cute, I wonder what her deal is." After some
more talking, B asks her why she doesn't play on her
parents team. She then responds with, "Well, I'm
actually too young to be in this league." The league
is for 18 and older. B immediately thinks, "Ohh no."
I then ask her how old she is. She responds with
"15". B then thinks of himself as a potential cradle
robber. Ha ha ha!
8. D calling B during the middle of the night, after
B decided to bail and go home from Casey Moran's in
Wrigleyville. D, "B, I tried calling you numerous
times, but you flat out didn't answer. I don't get it
B, you could have been laid tonight." D tries to tell
B that this chick was ripe for the taking, a claim B
still thinks is horseshit.
9. K getting a titty flash from some fat black chick
behind the counter at the Weiner Circle, a popular
Lincoln Park hot dog place.
10. B sweating this hot chick in a Tigers t-shirt at
Murphy's before the Cubs-Tigers game, D then says,
"Jesus Christ B, stop sweating that chick and do
something about it."
11. Us getting invited to a graduation party in
Lincoln Park, B's not thrilled with it. D tries to
reason with me saying, "It's not going to be a cake
and ice cream party B."
12. At the party, some weird dude is talking about
sex with the graduates parents.
13. D eventually starts breaking into the Jack
Daniels, bad things happen. D, "This is the worst
party I've ever been to. I thought we met some cool
bitches last night." Keep in mind these comments were
directed right to the chicks.
14. B outside while this is happening, taking a piss
on the front stoop. He locks himself out, Bob eventually
finds him after about 3 phone calls.
15. K and D arguing on the way home, K thinking D
blew his chances with any of the chicks. Later Bob
wants to go back there, prompting K to say, "No man,
that ship has sailed."
16. Marti sunbathing in only his boxers in Wac's
backyard. Prompting D to say, "Ohh my Lord!"
17. Wac getting pissed off while playing washers,
takes a stick and repeatedly whips the shit out of the
side of the garage.
18. Dirk having polished off a bottle of Jack Daniels
the previous night, had a King Kong Bundy sized
hangover the next day. "I'm laying in bed, my heart's
racing, and I'm sweating."
19. Waylon and Ace licking each other's dick in the
backyard. Fuckstick then says, "Hey it's K-9
Brokeback Mountain!"
20. One of the funniest moments of the year. "Hey
Dirk, can I bring down your guitar and amp?" "Yeah
sure." I don't know who it was, but he proceeded to
put on an impromtu concert, featuring "Enter Sandman"
riffs. "Hey it's Wacapoloooza!" Later the guitar is
left on top of a garbage can.
21. The next day Ace In The Hole, takes a shit and
piss on Wac's carpet. Marti, "He's shitting, ohhhhhh
now he's pissing!" Wac, "What the hell, I paid 80
bucks for this at Carpets of America. It's time this
house gets respected." B and some other dude
laugh hysterically over Carpets of America.
22. B stopping to take a piss at a gas station in
Atlanta, IL, saying out loud in the washroom, "Man
this bathroom smells like death." B then hears someone
in the stall taking a shit.
23. The Bobby Knight video, maybe the greatest e-mail
video of all time.
24. K and B meeting some chicks at Slugger's the
night before the 4th of July. They hang out with them
the next day on the 4th. They are then treated to one
of the girl's talking about burning herself, inhaling
toxic fumes, and nearly burning down the lab she works
at. Another one, a very large unattractive girl talks
about once having sex in a gas station bathroom.
25. The weekend to end all weekends: Wac mopping the
floor in B's building after a long night at the bar.
Marti taking a whiz in the garbage can in B's place,
sliding into a flower bed, laying down naked between
B and D, standing next to the window naked while
talking on the phone, and passing out at one point
face down on the hardwood floor. Dirk nailing a chick
he later referred to as "Pepperoni Face." Dirk,
"That's B's place right over there, I see it." A 15
dollar cab ride back here followed. Big Ben passed
out during most of the draft, D nudges him, "Hey, it's
your pick." After about 10 different names that Ben
says that are already gone, one is finally available,
"I'll take him!" B sitting on the couch watching the
t.v., big chaw in mouth, listening to the IPod while
Marti is passed out on the floor. Coad, "Hey guys
turn the radio down." He then sharts his pants, wipes
his ass with a Burger King napkin, tosses it out the
sunroof.
26. At some bar in Bloomington, Marti screams out
"Fumble!" during the Michigan-Penn State game.
Everyone in the bar turns and stares at the Party.
27. At Daddio's, once again B yells, "Play some Guns N
Roses or Metallica" at the band.
28. Piss Hair going into a gas station in
Bloomington, forgets what he went in for.
29. B having a massive hangover the next day after
ISU's homecoming, stumbling out of Marti's place,
saying to Marti's roommate and girlfriend sitting on
the couch, "Hey what's up guys?" They gave me a look
as if to say, "Who the fuck is that guy?"
30. While cleaning up after the weekend to end all
weekends, B hears a tearing sound. "Ohh shit, I think
I just ripped my shorts."
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