1. Dirk trying to impress some chick at work by helping
with a "Spanish Speaking" customer. Starts speaking
Spanish to this dude, only to get a confused look.
Dirk thinks he's hard of hearing, starts talking
loudly in Spanish at him. Guy backs away, it's made
apparent to Dirk that the guy is Vietnamese.
2. Kyle asking some big black dudes with expensive
watches on at John Barleycorn in Wrigleyville if they
were celebrities. Then asks the bartender which beer
has the most alcohol in it, and what shots are
strongest. The bartender avoids us the rest of the
night. Kyle then sticks me in the side of the leg
with his knife after I was irritating him about
something, causing my leg to bleed. Drago later says,
"He shanked you."
Monday, February 15, 2010
Random Weekend Highlights/Quotes
1. B spilling ranch dressing on the table, floor,
and himself.
2. B getting two straight stroke limit's on the
front 9 at FUD.
3. D, "How can you not like the NBA" while watching
the skills competition.
4. D striking up a conversation with the guy
working in the shitter about the greater Kankakee
area, then trying to get B to have the same
conversation.
5. Us worrying about our bill being over 3 bills.
6. "We could go to Slugger's, their sign says that on
Fri. and Sat. they have dueling pianos." B
7. After a lack of songs being played, D gets pissed
and starts yelling about how much both guys suck.
8. "Is there a problem?" "Yeah, you guys aren't
playing anything." "Ohh well, my partner here is
really drunk."
9. That guy screaming at the top of his lungs every 2
seconds, "BUSH LEAGUE!"
10. D gets fed up, says let's go, and then proceeds
to storm out of the place, getting our money back.
11. D then proceeds to tell anyone who would listen,
"Don't go in there, they suck. The guy is drunk,
don't spend your money."
12. After D calms down, we have a shot of Patron,
then play some FUD where B defeated D for the first
time.
13. In the cab on the way home, D strikes up a
conversation with the driver. "What language is
that?" "Pakistan." "How do you say fuck you in
Pakistan?"
14. After arriving back at B's place, B has to piss
like a racehorse, but D ties up the washroom by having
to take a massive dump.
15. B takes the elevator upstairs with intention of
pissing on the roof, but then thinks better of it.
16. D leaves a huge shit stain, and extremely foul
odor behind after shitting. B mentions the shit stain,
D follows with, "Don't worry, we'll pee it off."
Still laughing at that one.
17. Us going out to eat the following day, where D
says, "There's a lot of very flamboyant people in here
today."
18. "Man, I really gotta fart." B
19. After B shits himself in the vator, D goes, "Ohh
man, that sounded like you shit your pants, and it
smells horrific."
20. B getting irritated at D's cell phone for
ringing over and over when there's a voicemail left.
and himself.
2. B getting two straight stroke limit's on the
front 9 at FUD.
3. D, "How can you not like the NBA" while watching
the skills competition.
4. D striking up a conversation with the guy
working in the shitter about the greater Kankakee
area, then trying to get B to have the same
conversation.
5. Us worrying about our bill being over 3 bills.
6. "We could go to Slugger's, their sign says that on
Fri. and Sat. they have dueling pianos." B
7. After a lack of songs being played, D gets pissed
and starts yelling about how much both guys suck.
8. "Is there a problem?" "Yeah, you guys aren't
playing anything." "Ohh well, my partner here is
really drunk."
9. That guy screaming at the top of his lungs every 2
seconds, "BUSH LEAGUE!"
10. D gets fed up, says let's go, and then proceeds
to storm out of the place, getting our money back.
11. D then proceeds to tell anyone who would listen,
"Don't go in there, they suck. The guy is drunk,
don't spend your money."
12. After D calms down, we have a shot of Patron,
then play some FUD where B defeated D for the first
time.
13. In the cab on the way home, D strikes up a
conversation with the driver. "What language is
that?" "Pakistan." "How do you say fuck you in
Pakistan?"
14. After arriving back at B's place, B has to piss
like a racehorse, but D ties up the washroom by having
to take a massive dump.
15. B takes the elevator upstairs with intention of
pissing on the roof, but then thinks better of it.
16. D leaves a huge shit stain, and extremely foul
odor behind after shitting. B mentions the shit stain,
D follows with, "Don't worry, we'll pee it off."
Still laughing at that one.
17. Us going out to eat the following day, where D
says, "There's a lot of very flamboyant people in here
today."
18. "Man, I really gotta fart." B
19. After B shits himself in the vator, D goes, "Ohh
man, that sounded like you shit your pants, and it
smells horrific."
20. B getting irritated at D's cell phone for
ringing over and over when there's a voicemail left.
Saturday, February 13, 2010
Durty Nellies Highlights/Quotes
1. As B's driving to the hotel, D starts calling
every five minutes asking where he is, calling him
"Brokeback."
2. "Ohh my God, that is the gayest t-shirt ever." B
saying to D upon noticing D's t-shirt with a picture
of Kobe's face on the front, and the date of his 81
point game on the back.
3. Marti, Dean, and Ha coming back from the poo,
Marti lays on top of B with his wet swim suit,
causing wet spots on his shirt and jeans.
4. Dean breaks the cover of the air conditioner off,
then in an attempt to fix it, has his shorts pulled
down exposing his ass.
5. Dean asking B if every car in the parking lot is
his. "Hey BG, is that your Chevy Astro van....is
that your station wagon....is that your Escort?"
6. Bob, K, and D playing some weird game
featuring them hitting quarters against each other's
knuckles, causing them to bleed.
7. Marti taking about a half hour shower, drawing D's
criticism.
8. Marti stands up near the t.v., then falls forward
into the wall, nearly falling down. Party then tries
blaming it on tripping over the shoes that were
nearby.
9. Haw and Dean pulling out their hilarious "If it
ain't yours don't mess with it" impressions.
10. B asking Haw over and over why he doesn't just
stay at the hotel instead of driving home that night.
11. In the cab on the way to Nellies, Marti drops a
"N bomb", prompting D to say, "Hey, watch it back
there" sounded like an angry father yelling at his kid
in the back seat.
12. Harmon and Pence bragging about how they smoke
weed everyday.
13. When Journey's "Don't Stop Believin'" started
being played, D and Marti looked at each other with a
look as if someone had just told them they won a
million dollars.
14. During the song, B proceeds to play air guitar
and dance horribly.
15. B later dancing with some chick with a beer
bottle in each hand, chaw in mouth.
16. D giving B the door bell push on his chaw
numerous times.
17. B near the stage, yelling at the band to play
some Guns N Roses.
18. The foul odor that kept coming through the bar at
various times, smelled like a combination of shit and
sulfur.
19. Back at the hotel, B lays down to pass out, asks K
for his sleeping bag since he was in the bed. K gives
it to him, then wrestles it away a couple minutes
later, then gives B a shitty bed spread that wasn't
worth shit. Thanks K.
20. B waking up freezing his ass off, he proceeds to
take off his shirt and put his jacket on over his shirt.
As Dean later asked, "Why didn't u just keep the shirt
on for more warmth?"
21. B to Dean..."What's your e-mail Dean? Is it Dean at
hotmail?"
22. On our way out, Marti stops by the maid's cart in
the hall, then proceeds to grab several handfuls of
coffee packets and tosses them into his cooler.
23. After Marti tossed a newspaper from the front
desk into his cooler, he then asked, "Hey, can I get
one of those room evaluations." Some Hindu behind the
counter says they are in the rooms. "Ohh that's cool,
it was a good hotel, could use a microwave in the room
though." The guy behind the counter in his Hindu
voice says, "We cannot because of safety reasons."
24. During the night, some wetback hotel dude warns
us twice within the span of 10 minutes that we would
be kicked out for noise. "Alright guys, last
warning." As much as it would have sucked to sleep in
the car, it probably would have been warmer than the
floor.
every five minutes asking where he is, calling him
"Brokeback."
2. "Ohh my God, that is the gayest t-shirt ever." B
saying to D upon noticing D's t-shirt with a picture
of Kobe's face on the front, and the date of his 81
point game on the back.
3. Marti, Dean, and Ha coming back from the poo,
Marti lays on top of B with his wet swim suit,
causing wet spots on his shirt and jeans.
4. Dean breaks the cover of the air conditioner off,
then in an attempt to fix it, has his shorts pulled
down exposing his ass.
5. Dean asking B if every car in the parking lot is
his. "Hey BG, is that your Chevy Astro van....is
that your station wagon....is that your Escort?"
6. Bob, K, and D playing some weird game
featuring them hitting quarters against each other's
knuckles, causing them to bleed.
7. Marti taking about a half hour shower, drawing D's
criticism.
8. Marti stands up near the t.v., then falls forward
into the wall, nearly falling down. Party then tries
blaming it on tripping over the shoes that were
nearby.
9. Haw and Dean pulling out their hilarious "If it
ain't yours don't mess with it" impressions.
10. B asking Haw over and over why he doesn't just
stay at the hotel instead of driving home that night.
11. In the cab on the way to Nellies, Marti drops a
"N bomb", prompting D to say, "Hey, watch it back
there" sounded like an angry father yelling at his kid
in the back seat.
12. Harmon and Pence bragging about how they smoke
weed everyday.
13. When Journey's "Don't Stop Believin'" started
being played, D and Marti looked at each other with a
look as if someone had just told them they won a
million dollars.
14. During the song, B proceeds to play air guitar
and dance horribly.
15. B later dancing with some chick with a beer
bottle in each hand, chaw in mouth.
16. D giving B the door bell push on his chaw
numerous times.
17. B near the stage, yelling at the band to play
some Guns N Roses.
18. The foul odor that kept coming through the bar at
various times, smelled like a combination of shit and
sulfur.
19. Back at the hotel, B lays down to pass out, asks K
for his sleeping bag since he was in the bed. K gives
it to him, then wrestles it away a couple minutes
later, then gives B a shitty bed spread that wasn't
worth shit. Thanks K.
20. B waking up freezing his ass off, he proceeds to
take off his shirt and put his jacket on over his shirt.
As Dean later asked, "Why didn't u just keep the shirt
on for more warmth?"
21. B to Dean..."What's your e-mail Dean? Is it Dean at
hotmail?"
22. On our way out, Marti stops by the maid's cart in
the hall, then proceeds to grab several handfuls of
coffee packets and tosses them into his cooler.
23. After Marti tossed a newspaper from the front
desk into his cooler, he then asked, "Hey, can I get
one of those room evaluations." Some Hindu behind the
counter says they are in the rooms. "Ohh that's cool,
it was a good hotel, could use a microwave in the room
though." The guy behind the counter in his Hindu
voice says, "We cannot because of safety reasons."
24. During the night, some wetback hotel dude warns
us twice within the span of 10 minutes that we would
be kicked out for noise. "Alright guys, last
warning." As much as it would have sucked to sleep in
the car, it probably would have been warmer than the
floor.
St. Louis Highlights/Quotes
1. Some chick talking on the phone while Wac, Marti,
and B waited for the train to Busch. She yells into
the phone, "Jesus Christ!" Marti then responds,
"Yeeeeeees."
2. Paying 2.5 times face value for a bleacher ticket,
but still only thirty bucks, eight bucks cheaper than
a face value bleacher seat at Wrigley.
3. Marti offering his camera to B for 175 bucks,
then comes down to 150. B offers 20 bucks, Marti looks
at B with a look as if he'd seen a ghost.
4. Marti scoring two phone numbers, including one
from a high school chick going to graduate the
following day!
5. Wac getting pissed off that Marti successfully
scored some digits.
6. Wac saying to B in the bleachers about the high
school chick, "I keep noticing that she keeps
periodically sliding away from me, like this..." he
then demonstrates the slide by moving closer to her.
7. Marti, "Guys let's go, this game is over." As we
are walking towards Paddio's, we hear a loud crowd
reaction from the stadium, Cubs tie it up. Marti
apologizes, and is extremely pissed.
8. We go back into Busch later, some deuchebag points
at B after he spits some dip, and says there's no
dipping, then walks away. Wac, "I guess it must be
fuckin' family night again."
9. Some Cardinal fans taking offense at Marti's trash
talk after the Cubs victory.
10. Dirk saying he can get a hit off Santana if you
gave him 50 at bats. Wac and D get thoroughly
disgusted.
11. At 5:30am, it's light out, B proceeds to step on
the back porch with nothing on but boxers and take a
whiz off the porch.
12. Marti in the bleachers, "So-Touch-My-Couchie."
13. Dirk having a King Kong Bundy sized hangover
after polishing off a bottle of Jack the previous
night.
14. In the liquor store when Dirk and B went to pick
up the keg, some dude asks the chick behind the
counter, "So, it gets pretty hot in your country this
time of year doesn't it?" Dirk and B laughing about
it while waiting to load up the keg.
15. B, "Ahh, Dirk says to cancel his beer." Marti,
"That's fine, cause we didn't order him a fuckin' beer
anyway." A couple kids are right by.
16. Marti sunbathing in only his boxers, D looks out
the window at him, "Ohh my Lord."
17. Waylon coming out in the backyard, drops a half
dozen turds while doing a lap around the yard.
18. Wac, "This backyard smells like shit, I'm looking
at shit, listening to shit on the radio.." Radio was
playing the Cubs kicking the Cards ass.
19. Wac gettting pissed off while playing washers,
finds a stick on the ground and whips the shit out of
the side of the garage.
20. Marti, "Where else would you want to be?" Wac,
"Playboy Mansion."
21. Waylon and Ace "Ace In The Hole" licking each
other's dicks while playing. Someone saying, I forget
who, "K-9 Brokeback Mountain."
22. D and B in their futile attempt to get charcoal.
Instead they inadvertently get a driving tour of the
zoo and forest preserve.
23. Wac's cousin's friend bringing down Dirk's guitar
and amp and giving an impromtu concert. D says,
"It's Wacapolooza." Later the guitar is left on top
of the garbage can.
24. B sitting in the chair, totally wasted with
glassed over eyes.
25. B goes upstairs to pass out in Dirk's room, Dirk
comes in, "B are you all right?" "Yeah, I think I'm
fine."
26. Wac doing a Ravishing Rick Rude dance with the
tiki torch, pants falling down.
27. One of Wac's cousins friends, passed out with his
mouth open. Marti drops a tic tac in his mouth.
28. Ace In The Hole, dropping two logs on the carpet,
then circles around and pisses in the spot. Wac's
cousin dying laughing. Marti, "He's shitting, ohh now
he's pissing!"
29. Wac, "What the fuck, I paid 80 bucks for this
carpet at Carpets of America." "It's time this house
gets respected."
30. Marti, "What are you, a rabbit?"
31. Wac shaking a street sign, pants fall down and
his ass is exposed.
32. On B's way home, he stops in Atlanta for gas and to
piss. Bathroom smells like shit, B starts pissing, not
thinking anyone else is in there, then says out loud to
himself, "Man, smells like something died in here."
Then B hears some rustling from the stall, someone is
in there taking a dump. B quickly washes his hands, pays
for the gas, and hightails it back on 55 North!
and B waited for the train to Busch. She yells into
the phone, "Jesus Christ!" Marti then responds,
"Yeeeeeees."
2. Paying 2.5 times face value for a bleacher ticket,
but still only thirty bucks, eight bucks cheaper than
a face value bleacher seat at Wrigley.
3. Marti offering his camera to B for 175 bucks,
then comes down to 150. B offers 20 bucks, Marti looks
at B with a look as if he'd seen a ghost.
4. Marti scoring two phone numbers, including one
from a high school chick going to graduate the
following day!
5. Wac getting pissed off that Marti successfully
scored some digits.
6. Wac saying to B in the bleachers about the high
school chick, "I keep noticing that she keeps
periodically sliding away from me, like this..." he
then demonstrates the slide by moving closer to her.
7. Marti, "Guys let's go, this game is over." As we
are walking towards Paddio's, we hear a loud crowd
reaction from the stadium, Cubs tie it up. Marti
apologizes, and is extremely pissed.
8. We go back into Busch later, some deuchebag points
at B after he spits some dip, and says there's no
dipping, then walks away. Wac, "I guess it must be
fuckin' family night again."
9. Some Cardinal fans taking offense at Marti's trash
talk after the Cubs victory.
10. Dirk saying he can get a hit off Santana if you
gave him 50 at bats. Wac and D get thoroughly
disgusted.
11. At 5:30am, it's light out, B proceeds to step on
the back porch with nothing on but boxers and take a
whiz off the porch.
12. Marti in the bleachers, "So-Touch-My-Couchie."
13. Dirk having a King Kong Bundy sized hangover
after polishing off a bottle of Jack the previous
night.
14. In the liquor store when Dirk and B went to pick
up the keg, some dude asks the chick behind the
counter, "So, it gets pretty hot in your country this
time of year doesn't it?" Dirk and B laughing about
it while waiting to load up the keg.
15. B, "Ahh, Dirk says to cancel his beer." Marti,
"That's fine, cause we didn't order him a fuckin' beer
anyway." A couple kids are right by.
16. Marti sunbathing in only his boxers, D looks out
the window at him, "Ohh my Lord."
17. Waylon coming out in the backyard, drops a half
dozen turds while doing a lap around the yard.
18. Wac, "This backyard smells like shit, I'm looking
at shit, listening to shit on the radio.." Radio was
playing the Cubs kicking the Cards ass.
19. Wac gettting pissed off while playing washers,
finds a stick on the ground and whips the shit out of
the side of the garage.
20. Marti, "Where else would you want to be?" Wac,
"Playboy Mansion."
21. Waylon and Ace "Ace In The Hole" licking each
other's dicks while playing. Someone saying, I forget
who, "K-9 Brokeback Mountain."
22. D and B in their futile attempt to get charcoal.
Instead they inadvertently get a driving tour of the
zoo and forest preserve.
23. Wac's cousin's friend bringing down Dirk's guitar
and amp and giving an impromtu concert. D says,
"It's Wacapolooza." Later the guitar is left on top
of the garbage can.
24. B sitting in the chair, totally wasted with
glassed over eyes.
25. B goes upstairs to pass out in Dirk's room, Dirk
comes in, "B are you all right?" "Yeah, I think I'm
fine."
26. Wac doing a Ravishing Rick Rude dance with the
tiki torch, pants falling down.
27. One of Wac's cousins friends, passed out with his
mouth open. Marti drops a tic tac in his mouth.
28. Ace In The Hole, dropping two logs on the carpet,
then circles around and pisses in the spot. Wac's
cousin dying laughing. Marti, "He's shitting, ohh now
he's pissing!"
29. Wac, "What the fuck, I paid 80 bucks for this
carpet at Carpets of America." "It's time this house
gets respected."
30. Marti, "What are you, a rabbit?"
31. Wac shaking a street sign, pants fall down and
his ass is exposed.
32. On B's way home, he stops in Atlanta for gas and to
piss. Bathroom smells like shit, B starts pissing, not
thinking anyone else is in there, then says out loud to
himself, "Man, smells like something died in here."
Then B hears some rustling from the stall, someone is
in there taking a dump. B quickly washes his hands, pays
for the gas, and hightails it back on 55 North!
Thursday, February 4, 2010
Cubs - Tigers Highlights/Quotes
1. D calling and leaving a voicemail for B while he's
at work. "B, we're hear at Bernie's, in the beer
garden, and K just said that he has to pee and fart.
He just waddled over to the port-o-potty to complete
the deed."
2. K's game to the hot, tall chick. "How tall are
you?" Stand on his tip toes. "Ahh, I'm still not as
tall as you." Later in the weekend K claims that she
was digging him.
3. B apparently successfully spitting game at the
thick chick, but then pussing out to go home due to a
bad headache. Later, B admits that had he known he
was in he wouldn't have done that.
4. D calling B at quarter to 4, with this classic.
"B, I tried calling you numerous times, but you flat
out didn't answer. The girl said you were cute, you
could have been laid tonight." D said "flat out" 4
times.
5. Some fat black chick exposing her tits at Weiner
Circle.
6. K furiously scratching his face at the girls
place. "These damn cats." D follows with, "Shaving
might help." K gives him a "fuck you" look.
7. D, "B, meet us at Murphy's at 12:15, we'll be
there." B, "Uh huh." "Is that how you end a
conversation, with uh huh?"
8. K's message, "You're probably at the gym, or doing
something really stupid."
9. K to Bob when he got to Murphy's, "You look like
an old man." Bob had his Grace jersey tucked in,
shorts pulled up.
10. "Message from 815-272...." D, "That's not my
number." D and B die laughing after that comment.
11. B pulls out his wallet, K goes, "Look at that, it's
the George Costanza wallet." B, "It's a little
thick, I just cleaned it out." D, "Uhh, you need to
do it again." D and B shit themselves laughing again.
12. B majorly sweating this incredibly hot chick in
a Tigers t-shirt. B would've ripped that thing off with
his teeth.
13. D getting very annoyed when B kept telling him he
was wearing his Jimmy Buffett t-shirt to the graduation
party.
14. After B got annoyed at the idea of the graduation
party, D goes, "It's not gonna be a cake and ice cream
party B."
15. K wearing the shirt with B's two finga and a thumb
pic on the front, the one with B pulling his ear on
the back. K then shows it to one of the girls, she
has a look of total confusion. Either she was
confused by B's ridiculous photo ops, or that K would
wear that out to a bar, or both.
16. Bob drinking a beer in the shower at B's place.
17. B sitting and chilling with a cocktail on the
back porch at the chicks place. One of the girls
comes out and asks why he's sitting out by himself. B
says, "It's nice as hell out, I thought everyone was
coming out." She then grabs him by the hand, and leads
me back in. B says, "What the hell, we have all winter
to sit inside." She didn't respond.
18. B taking a piss in the alley, then hosing down
the front stoop with passing cars and pedestrians by
the building. Luckily nobody saw him, at least he thinks
no one did.
19. B locks himself out, calls Bob a couple times for
him to let B in. After some confusion as to where B
was, Bob let's him in.
20. D starts drinking Jack, things go downhill.
21. D tells the girls this is the worst party ever,
insinuates that they are bitches.
22. The deuchebag that was talking to the parents
about sex. Who does that?
23. Ironic item of the weekend. D giving B a ton of
shit for dipping early Friday night, saying B could
have been laid, then gets all of us black marked with
his commentary about the party and the girls
themselves.
24. D and K yelling at each other on the street, as
we were walking aimlessly.
25. B doing my hip-hop dance at Hi-Tops.
Surprisingly no females seemed blown away by it.
26. D doing some ass grindin' with some random
chick.
27. Bob and B walking home from the burrito place,
felt like they walked 10 miles.
28. Marti informs B that, "Dave left 3 messages on
my phone, none of them made any sense."
29. B, "What's that dog doing inside here." D,
"That's a seeing eye dog you moron. What do you think
this is show and tell day at the I-Hop."
30. And finally, B thinks a new record might have been
set for the amount of times, "Huh....homework" was
said.
at work. "B, we're hear at Bernie's, in the beer
garden, and K just said that he has to pee and fart.
He just waddled over to the port-o-potty to complete
the deed."
2. K's game to the hot, tall chick. "How tall are
you?" Stand on his tip toes. "Ahh, I'm still not as
tall as you." Later in the weekend K claims that she
was digging him.
3. B apparently successfully spitting game at the
thick chick, but then pussing out to go home due to a
bad headache. Later, B admits that had he known he
was in he wouldn't have done that.
4. D calling B at quarter to 4, with this classic.
"B, I tried calling you numerous times, but you flat
out didn't answer. The girl said you were cute, you
could have been laid tonight." D said "flat out" 4
times.
5. Some fat black chick exposing her tits at Weiner
Circle.
6. K furiously scratching his face at the girls
place. "These damn cats." D follows with, "Shaving
might help." K gives him a "fuck you" look.
7. D, "B, meet us at Murphy's at 12:15, we'll be
there." B, "Uh huh." "Is that how you end a
conversation, with uh huh?"
8. K's message, "You're probably at the gym, or doing
something really stupid."
9. K to Bob when he got to Murphy's, "You look like
an old man." Bob had his Grace jersey tucked in,
shorts pulled up.
10. "Message from 815-272...." D, "That's not my
number." D and B die laughing after that comment.
11. B pulls out his wallet, K goes, "Look at that, it's
the George Costanza wallet." B, "It's a little
thick, I just cleaned it out." D, "Uhh, you need to
do it again." D and B shit themselves laughing again.
12. B majorly sweating this incredibly hot chick in
a Tigers t-shirt. B would've ripped that thing off with
his teeth.
13. D getting very annoyed when B kept telling him he
was wearing his Jimmy Buffett t-shirt to the graduation
party.
14. After B got annoyed at the idea of the graduation
party, D goes, "It's not gonna be a cake and ice cream
party B."
15. K wearing the shirt with B's two finga and a thumb
pic on the front, the one with B pulling his ear on
the back. K then shows it to one of the girls, she
has a look of total confusion. Either she was
confused by B's ridiculous photo ops, or that K would
wear that out to a bar, or both.
16. Bob drinking a beer in the shower at B's place.
17. B sitting and chilling with a cocktail on the
back porch at the chicks place. One of the girls
comes out and asks why he's sitting out by himself. B
says, "It's nice as hell out, I thought everyone was
coming out." She then grabs him by the hand, and leads
me back in. B says, "What the hell, we have all winter
to sit inside." She didn't respond.
18. B taking a piss in the alley, then hosing down
the front stoop with passing cars and pedestrians by
the building. Luckily nobody saw him, at least he thinks
no one did.
19. B locks himself out, calls Bob a couple times for
him to let B in. After some confusion as to where B
was, Bob let's him in.
20. D starts drinking Jack, things go downhill.
21. D tells the girls this is the worst party ever,
insinuates that they are bitches.
22. The deuchebag that was talking to the parents
about sex. Who does that?
23. Ironic item of the weekend. D giving B a ton of
shit for dipping early Friday night, saying B could
have been laid, then gets all of us black marked with
his commentary about the party and the girls
themselves.
24. D and K yelling at each other on the street, as
we were walking aimlessly.
25. B doing my hip-hop dance at Hi-Tops.
Surprisingly no females seemed blown away by it.
26. D doing some ass grindin' with some random
chick.
27. Bob and B walking home from the burrito place,
felt like they walked 10 miles.
28. Marti informs B that, "Dave left 3 messages on
my phone, none of them made any sense."
29. B, "What's that dog doing inside here." D,
"That's a seeing eye dog you moron. What do you think
this is show and tell day at the I-Hop."
30. And finally, B thinks a new record might have been
set for the amount of times, "Huh....homework" was
said.
Football Draft Weekend Highlights/Quotes
1. Wac asking Marti to hook him up with his sister.
2. Dirk making out with the girl he referred to as
pizza face, later referred to as pepperoni face on the
sidewalk outside Casey Moran's.
3. Dirk later nailing pepperoni face, and being
ashamed the next day.
4. Marti passing out in my room before scoring with
pepperoni face's friend.
5. D swoops in on pepperoni face's friend.
6. Marti failing to tackle D down the side of a hill,
then proceeds to slide feet first into a flower bed.
7. While waiting for the elevator, Wac grabs a mop
and starts mopping the floor outside the elevator.
8. Marti getting naked, proceeds to lay down between
D and B in my bed.
9. B then saying, "Ohh God, this has to stop."
10. Marti standing next to my window, naked, while
talking on the phone.
11. D, "I gotta take a shower, grab a beer, wash my
dick off."
12. D insisting he was going to sleep in B's bed each
night, unfortunately he did.
13. B's great college football predictions, "Take
Arkansas and the points, NIU and the points, and take
Miami to cover." All losers.
14. Dirk calling B "Skateboard B" all weekend.
15. K insisting that B keeps cooking one pizza after
another during the ND game, even though there were 2
cooked pizza's chilling on the counter that hadn't
been touched yet.
16. B burning his elbow on the inside part of the
oven door.
17. A total mess of straw all over the floor from B's
fake tree. B asks Marti, "Did you go on a Dubbya
Dubbya II mission last night?" Marti, "I don't think
I did."
18. B asking K about 5 times if he liked his t.v.
19. Wac, when seeing a hot chick, always goes,
"Dammit." Walk into Red Ivy, Wac says, "There's a lot
of dammit's in here."
20. Marti urinating in the blue garbage can in B's
living room.
21. Dirk and B having to hand scoop out the garbage,
since the bag was too big to fit in the trash chute
door. All this disgusting water was coming out, turns
out to be stale beer and Marti's piss.
22. B singing, "I'm Charles Rogers, I scored 17
touchdowns and something something."
23. Big Ben sleeping through the middle of the draft,
being woken up by D each time he's on deck. Ben keeps
asking about 20 different players each time, D keeps
responding, "He gone, he gone." Finally when a player
was there, Big Ben, "I'll take him!"
24. Marti ripping on D numerous times for taking
Brett Favre in the 9th round.
25. Why did B take Rex Grossman, prompting K to rip
on him endlessly.
26. B proclaiming himself the best fantasy host ever.
27. Marti and Coad taking a half dozen porno's as
parting gifts.
28. Big Ben spending an hour in the middle of the
night trying to figure out how to watch porn on DVD,
gave up and went back to sleep.
29. Marti yelling back and forth with one of the
chicks from Mo-Town in the garage.
30. Dirk getting lost on the way home from
Wrigleyville, asking a cab driver where the lake is,
"Ohh man, you gotta go way East!"
31. Marti rekindling the drunkeness by pounding beers
Monday morning.
32. Dirk forgets his phone charger in B's place, then
forgets it in D's car after being dropped off at
Midway.
33. Coad sharting his pants on the way home, wipes
his ass with a napkin, tosses it out the sunroof.
34. D and B laughing about it later, D says, "Can you
imagine how bad that car must have smelled?"
35. While B's going around picking up shit at his
place, he leans over and hears a tearing sounds, "Ohh
Christ, I just ripped my shorts."
2. Dirk making out with the girl he referred to as
pizza face, later referred to as pepperoni face on the
sidewalk outside Casey Moran's.
3. Dirk later nailing pepperoni face, and being
ashamed the next day.
4. Marti passing out in my room before scoring with
pepperoni face's friend.
5. D swoops in on pepperoni face's friend.
6. Marti failing to tackle D down the side of a hill,
then proceeds to slide feet first into a flower bed.
7. While waiting for the elevator, Wac grabs a mop
and starts mopping the floor outside the elevator.
8. Marti getting naked, proceeds to lay down between
D and B in my bed.
9. B then saying, "Ohh God, this has to stop."
10. Marti standing next to my window, naked, while
talking on the phone.
11. D, "I gotta take a shower, grab a beer, wash my
dick off."
12. D insisting he was going to sleep in B's bed each
night, unfortunately he did.
13. B's great college football predictions, "Take
Arkansas and the points, NIU and the points, and take
Miami to cover." All losers.
14. Dirk calling B "Skateboard B" all weekend.
15. K insisting that B keeps cooking one pizza after
another during the ND game, even though there were 2
cooked pizza's chilling on the counter that hadn't
been touched yet.
16. B burning his elbow on the inside part of the
oven door.
17. A total mess of straw all over the floor from B's
fake tree. B asks Marti, "Did you go on a Dubbya
Dubbya II mission last night?" Marti, "I don't think
I did."
18. B asking K about 5 times if he liked his t.v.
19. Wac, when seeing a hot chick, always goes,
"Dammit." Walk into Red Ivy, Wac says, "There's a lot
of dammit's in here."
20. Marti urinating in the blue garbage can in B's
living room.
21. Dirk and B having to hand scoop out the garbage,
since the bag was too big to fit in the trash chute
door. All this disgusting water was coming out, turns
out to be stale beer and Marti's piss.
22. B singing, "I'm Charles Rogers, I scored 17
touchdowns and something something."
23. Big Ben sleeping through the middle of the draft,
being woken up by D each time he's on deck. Ben keeps
asking about 20 different players each time, D keeps
responding, "He gone, he gone." Finally when a player
was there, Big Ben, "I'll take him!"
24. Marti ripping on D numerous times for taking
Brett Favre in the 9th round.
25. Why did B take Rex Grossman, prompting K to rip
on him endlessly.
26. B proclaiming himself the best fantasy host ever.
27. Marti and Coad taking a half dozen porno's as
parting gifts.
28. Big Ben spending an hour in the middle of the
night trying to figure out how to watch porn on DVD,
gave up and went back to sleep.
29. Marti yelling back and forth with one of the
chicks from Mo-Town in the garage.
30. Dirk getting lost on the way home from
Wrigleyville, asking a cab driver where the lake is,
"Ohh man, you gotta go way East!"
31. Marti rekindling the drunkeness by pounding beers
Monday morning.
32. Dirk forgets his phone charger in B's place, then
forgets it in D's car after being dropped off at
Midway.
33. Coad sharting his pants on the way home, wipes
his ass with a napkin, tosses it out the sunroof.
34. D and B laughing about it later, D says, "Can you
imagine how bad that car must have smelled?"
35. While B's going around picking up shit at his
place, he leans over and hears a tearing sounds, "Ohh
Christ, I just ripped my shorts."
Highlights of 2006
From the sports world:
1. Dusty Baker and Andy MacPhail getting fired.
2. Joe Paterno running off the field to take a shit.
3. Joe Paterno getting his knee blown out, then later
on the Penn State injury report, ABC listed, "Paterno:
Knee"
4. Dusty Baker towards the end of the season claiming
that he isn't getting fired, and he's not quitting.
5. Carmelo Anthony's sucker punch, then runs away.
6. Kobe and the Lakers being eliminated in round 1.
7. The Cubs signing Soriano.
8. The Cardinals winning the World Series, although
that's actually a lowlight.
9. Bears on the their way to a 14-2 season, hopefully
will end with a win in Miami.
10. Ozzie Guillen calling Jay Mariotti a fag.
11. Michael Barrett's punch on A.J. Pierzynski.
12. Pierzynski's game winning home run onto Sheffield
Avenue later that year.
13. One of the Cubs players claiming that Joey Cora
bit him during the brawl following Barrett's punch.
14. Dennis Green's postgame tirade after his team
blew the game to the Bears.
15. The Yankees choking once again in the playoffs.
16. Notre Dame getting blasted in their only 2 tough
games of the year, USC and Michigan.
17. The USC-Texas national title game.
Quotes/Highlight's from the year:
1. B talking to D on baseball's opening day, seeing
a highlight of David Ortiz hitting a home run, trying
to rap like Jay Z, "Hey Papi, even if you don't
understand the flow, please let me know, I'll try to
help you out, and then all the ladies start screaming
Hey Pappi!"
2. In STL, B, Wac, and Marti are waiting for the
train to Busch Stadium, some chick yells into her
phone, "Jesus Christ!", Marti then stands up, raises
his hand and yells out, "Yeeeeees!"
3. Haw bragging about showing some female politician
our fantasy league, which led to some people wondering
if he showed her all of Marti's drunken postings.
4. At the hotel before seeing the 80's cover band at
Durty Nellie's, Dean knocks the cover off the AC unit,
then tries to put it back on with half his ass hanging
out of his pants.
5. B screaming at the band to play Guns N Roses
music, he was ignored.
6. Marti taking all the soaps, shampoo's, pen's, and
pads of paper from the room, then takes all the
instant coffee packets off the maid's cart. Finally,
he swipes the newspaper at the front counter.
7. B standing behind the backstop at his park,
watching his co-ed softball league on a Thursday
evening. Some chick on one of the teams comes over
and starts talking to him, B starts thinking, "She's
pretty cute, I wonder what her deal is." After some
more talking, B asks her why she doesn't play on her
parents team. She then responds with, "Well, I'm
actually too young to be in this league." The league
is for 18 and older. B immediately thinks, "Ohh no."
I then ask her how old she is. She responds with
"15". B then thinks of himself as a potential cradle
robber. Ha ha ha!
8. D calling B during the middle of the night, after
B decided to bail and go home from Casey Moran's in
Wrigleyville. D, "B, I tried calling you numerous
times, but you flat out didn't answer. I don't get it
B, you could have been laid tonight." D tries to tell
B that this chick was ripe for the taking, a claim B
still thinks is horseshit.
9. K getting a titty flash from some fat black chick
behind the counter at the Weiner Circle, a popular
Lincoln Park hot dog place.
10. B sweating this hot chick in a Tigers t-shirt at
Murphy's before the Cubs-Tigers game, D then says,
"Jesus Christ B, stop sweating that chick and do
something about it."
11. Us getting invited to a graduation party in
Lincoln Park, B's not thrilled with it. D tries to
reason with me saying, "It's not going to be a cake
and ice cream party B."
12. At the party, some weird dude is talking about
sex with the graduates parents.
13. D eventually starts breaking into the Jack
Daniels, bad things happen. D, "This is the worst
party I've ever been to. I thought we met some cool
bitches last night." Keep in mind these comments were
directed right to the chicks.
14. B outside while this is happening, taking a piss
on the front stoop. He locks himself out, Bob eventually
finds him after about 3 phone calls.
15. K and D arguing on the way home, K thinking D
blew his chances with any of the chicks. Later Bob
wants to go back there, prompting K to say, "No man,
that ship has sailed."
16. Marti sunbathing in only his boxers in Wac's
backyard. Prompting D to say, "Ohh my Lord!"
17. Wac getting pissed off while playing washers,
takes a stick and repeatedly whips the shit out of the
side of the garage.
18. Dirk having polished off a bottle of Jack Daniels
the previous night, had a King Kong Bundy sized
hangover the next day. "I'm laying in bed, my heart's
racing, and I'm sweating."
19. Waylon and Ace licking each other's dick in the
backyard. Fuckstick then says, "Hey it's K-9
Brokeback Mountain!"
20. One of the funniest moments of the year. "Hey
Dirk, can I bring down your guitar and amp?" "Yeah
sure." I don't know who it was, but he proceeded to
put on an impromtu concert, featuring "Enter Sandman"
riffs. "Hey it's Wacapoloooza!" Later the guitar is
left on top of a garbage can.
21. The next day Ace In The Hole, takes a shit and
piss on Wac's carpet. Marti, "He's shitting, ohhhhhh
now he's pissing!" Wac, "What the hell, I paid 80
bucks for this at Carpets of America. It's time this
house gets respected." B and some other dude
laugh hysterically over Carpets of America.
22. B stopping to take a piss at a gas station in
Atlanta, IL, saying out loud in the washroom, "Man
this bathroom smells like death." B then hears someone
in the stall taking a shit.
23. The Bobby Knight video, maybe the greatest e-mail
video of all time.
24. K and B meeting some chicks at Slugger's the
night before the 4th of July. They hang out with them
the next day on the 4th. They are then treated to one
of the girl's talking about burning herself, inhaling
toxic fumes, and nearly burning down the lab she works
at. Another one, a very large unattractive girl talks
about once having sex in a gas station bathroom.
25. The weekend to end all weekends: Wac mopping the
floor in B's building after a long night at the bar.
Marti taking a whiz in the garbage can in B's place,
sliding into a flower bed, laying down naked between
B and D, standing next to the window naked while
talking on the phone, and passing out at one point
face down on the hardwood floor. Dirk nailing a chick
he later referred to as "Pepperoni Face." Dirk,
"That's B's place right over there, I see it." A 15
dollar cab ride back here followed. Big Ben passed
out during most of the draft, D nudges him, "Hey, it's
your pick." After about 10 different names that Ben
says that are already gone, one is finally available,
"I'll take him!" B sitting on the couch watching the
t.v., big chaw in mouth, listening to the IPod while
Marti is passed out on the floor. Coad, "Hey guys
turn the radio down." He then sharts his pants, wipes
his ass with a Burger King napkin, tosses it out the
sunroof.
26. At some bar in Bloomington, Marti screams out
"Fumble!" during the Michigan-Penn State game.
Everyone in the bar turns and stares at the Party.
27. At Daddio's, once again B yells, "Play some Guns N
Roses or Metallica" at the band.
28. Piss Hair going into a gas station in
Bloomington, forgets what he went in for.
29. B having a massive hangover the next day after
ISU's homecoming, stumbling out of Marti's place,
saying to Marti's roommate and girlfriend sitting on
the couch, "Hey what's up guys?" They gave me a look
as if to say, "Who the fuck is that guy?"
30. While cleaning up after the weekend to end all
weekends, B hears a tearing sound. "Ohh shit, I think
I just ripped my shorts."
1. Dusty Baker and Andy MacPhail getting fired.
2. Joe Paterno running off the field to take a shit.
3. Joe Paterno getting his knee blown out, then later
on the Penn State injury report, ABC listed, "Paterno:
Knee"
4. Dusty Baker towards the end of the season claiming
that he isn't getting fired, and he's not quitting.
5. Carmelo Anthony's sucker punch, then runs away.
6. Kobe and the Lakers being eliminated in round 1.
7. The Cubs signing Soriano.
8. The Cardinals winning the World Series, although
that's actually a lowlight.
9. Bears on the their way to a 14-2 season, hopefully
will end with a win in Miami.
10. Ozzie Guillen calling Jay Mariotti a fag.
11. Michael Barrett's punch on A.J. Pierzynski.
12. Pierzynski's game winning home run onto Sheffield
Avenue later that year.
13. One of the Cubs players claiming that Joey Cora
bit him during the brawl following Barrett's punch.
14. Dennis Green's postgame tirade after his team
blew the game to the Bears.
15. The Yankees choking once again in the playoffs.
16. Notre Dame getting blasted in their only 2 tough
games of the year, USC and Michigan.
17. The USC-Texas national title game.
Quotes/Highlight's from the year:
1. B talking to D on baseball's opening day, seeing
a highlight of David Ortiz hitting a home run, trying
to rap like Jay Z, "Hey Papi, even if you don't
understand the flow, please let me know, I'll try to
help you out, and then all the ladies start screaming
Hey Pappi!"
2. In STL, B, Wac, and Marti are waiting for the
train to Busch Stadium, some chick yells into her
phone, "Jesus Christ!", Marti then stands up, raises
his hand and yells out, "Yeeeeees!"
3. Haw bragging about showing some female politician
our fantasy league, which led to some people wondering
if he showed her all of Marti's drunken postings.
4. At the hotel before seeing the 80's cover band at
Durty Nellie's, Dean knocks the cover off the AC unit,
then tries to put it back on with half his ass hanging
out of his pants.
5. B screaming at the band to play Guns N Roses
music, he was ignored.
6. Marti taking all the soaps, shampoo's, pen's, and
pads of paper from the room, then takes all the
instant coffee packets off the maid's cart. Finally,
he swipes the newspaper at the front counter.
7. B standing behind the backstop at his park,
watching his co-ed softball league on a Thursday
evening. Some chick on one of the teams comes over
and starts talking to him, B starts thinking, "She's
pretty cute, I wonder what her deal is." After some
more talking, B asks her why she doesn't play on her
parents team. She then responds with, "Well, I'm
actually too young to be in this league." The league
is for 18 and older. B immediately thinks, "Ohh no."
I then ask her how old she is. She responds with
"15". B then thinks of himself as a potential cradle
robber. Ha ha ha!
8. D calling B during the middle of the night, after
B decided to bail and go home from Casey Moran's in
Wrigleyville. D, "B, I tried calling you numerous
times, but you flat out didn't answer. I don't get it
B, you could have been laid tonight." D tries to tell
B that this chick was ripe for the taking, a claim B
still thinks is horseshit.
9. K getting a titty flash from some fat black chick
behind the counter at the Weiner Circle, a popular
Lincoln Park hot dog place.
10. B sweating this hot chick in a Tigers t-shirt at
Murphy's before the Cubs-Tigers game, D then says,
"Jesus Christ B, stop sweating that chick and do
something about it."
11. Us getting invited to a graduation party in
Lincoln Park, B's not thrilled with it. D tries to
reason with me saying, "It's not going to be a cake
and ice cream party B."
12. At the party, some weird dude is talking about
sex with the graduates parents.
13. D eventually starts breaking into the Jack
Daniels, bad things happen. D, "This is the worst
party I've ever been to. I thought we met some cool
bitches last night." Keep in mind these comments were
directed right to the chicks.
14. B outside while this is happening, taking a piss
on the front stoop. He locks himself out, Bob eventually
finds him after about 3 phone calls.
15. K and D arguing on the way home, K thinking D
blew his chances with any of the chicks. Later Bob
wants to go back there, prompting K to say, "No man,
that ship has sailed."
16. Marti sunbathing in only his boxers in Wac's
backyard. Prompting D to say, "Ohh my Lord!"
17. Wac getting pissed off while playing washers,
takes a stick and repeatedly whips the shit out of the
side of the garage.
18. Dirk having polished off a bottle of Jack Daniels
the previous night, had a King Kong Bundy sized
hangover the next day. "I'm laying in bed, my heart's
racing, and I'm sweating."
19. Waylon and Ace licking each other's dick in the
backyard. Fuckstick then says, "Hey it's K-9
Brokeback Mountain!"
20. One of the funniest moments of the year. "Hey
Dirk, can I bring down your guitar and amp?" "Yeah
sure." I don't know who it was, but he proceeded to
put on an impromtu concert, featuring "Enter Sandman"
riffs. "Hey it's Wacapoloooza!" Later the guitar is
left on top of a garbage can.
21. The next day Ace In The Hole, takes a shit and
piss on Wac's carpet. Marti, "He's shitting, ohhhhhh
now he's pissing!" Wac, "What the hell, I paid 80
bucks for this at Carpets of America. It's time this
house gets respected." B and some other dude
laugh hysterically over Carpets of America.
22. B stopping to take a piss at a gas station in
Atlanta, IL, saying out loud in the washroom, "Man
this bathroom smells like death." B then hears someone
in the stall taking a shit.
23. The Bobby Knight video, maybe the greatest e-mail
video of all time.
24. K and B meeting some chicks at Slugger's the
night before the 4th of July. They hang out with them
the next day on the 4th. They are then treated to one
of the girl's talking about burning herself, inhaling
toxic fumes, and nearly burning down the lab she works
at. Another one, a very large unattractive girl talks
about once having sex in a gas station bathroom.
25. The weekend to end all weekends: Wac mopping the
floor in B's building after a long night at the bar.
Marti taking a whiz in the garbage can in B's place,
sliding into a flower bed, laying down naked between
B and D, standing next to the window naked while
talking on the phone, and passing out at one point
face down on the hardwood floor. Dirk nailing a chick
he later referred to as "Pepperoni Face." Dirk,
"That's B's place right over there, I see it." A 15
dollar cab ride back here followed. Big Ben passed
out during most of the draft, D nudges him, "Hey, it's
your pick." After about 10 different names that Ben
says that are already gone, one is finally available,
"I'll take him!" B sitting on the couch watching the
t.v., big chaw in mouth, listening to the IPod while
Marti is passed out on the floor. Coad, "Hey guys
turn the radio down." He then sharts his pants, wipes
his ass with a Burger King napkin, tosses it out the
sunroof.
26. At some bar in Bloomington, Marti screams out
"Fumble!" during the Michigan-Penn State game.
Everyone in the bar turns and stares at the Party.
27. At Daddio's, once again B yells, "Play some Guns N
Roses or Metallica" at the band.
28. Piss Hair going into a gas station in
Bloomington, forgets what he went in for.
29. B having a massive hangover the next day after
ISU's homecoming, stumbling out of Marti's place,
saying to Marti's roommate and girlfriend sitting on
the couch, "Hey what's up guys?" They gave me a look
as if to say, "Who the fuck is that guy?"
30. While cleaning up after the weekend to end all
weekends, B hears a tearing sound. "Ohh shit, I think
I just ripped my shorts."
Tuesday, February 2, 2010
New Years Eve Highlights/Quotes
1. B giving the two finga and a thumb pose at Ed
Debevick's, with a chaw in his mouth while our picture
was being taken.
2. D wearing that dumb paper "Eat At Ed's" hat
throughout the entire time at the restaurant.
3. Dirk complaining that it was the worst restaurant
he's ever been to.
4. The dumb ass waiter, ripping on our alcohol
consumption, then saying, "I can't bring another
pitcher over till you finish that one, this isn't a
bar." What a douche.
5. B getting lost at the Dueling Piano bar, D seeing
B from a distance standing by myself thinking, "What
the hell is B doing?"
6. Dirk also saying that this bar was horrible.
7. B busting a move on the dance floor at the next
bar, trying to score some tail.
8. K getting booted from a bar for apparently no
reason, Dirk then trying to cheer him up with a test
tube shot of Jager. K then vomits immediately after
taking the shot, then vomits again out the front door
prompting the bouncer to say, "Ohh man!"
9. B, "Hey guys what do you think, does this shirt
need to be ironed?" Shirt is hanging off the hanger
on one side. "No, but why the hell don't you hang
your shirt up better than that?" Marti, "You might
want to run an iron over those pants." D, "Yeah B,
what did you have those in a drawer?" Marti, "The way
he hangs things up, they might as well be in a
drawer."
10. D calling Dirk's shoes "Robin Hood" shoes. B
later taking a picture with them on, with a double two
finga and a thumb.
11. Dirk insisted that the Outlaw Country station be
turned on, featuring one bad song after another,
featuring some host named "Hillbilly Jim."
12. B doing a Dick Jauron, Dave Wannstedt, Lovie
Smith, and Madden impression to the lyrics of Papa
Roach. "Take my money, take my obsession, take my
possession, I don't need that shit."
13. Us taking a group photo, B giving yet another
two finga and a thumb pose.
14. B getting dressed at 2 in the afternoon. "I'm
gonna have to do it eventually, why not now? Later
I'll be sitting here, having a drink, watching
football, while you'll all be running around trying to
get ready." Later B was thoroughly mocked for that
statement.
15. The line being out the door and up the stairs for
the women's pisser. A number of chick's then wound up
in the men's pisser. The black dude working in the
shitter said, "Man, I don't mind them coming in at
all, they can come in all night man!"
16. Everyone except B, in a failed attempt to find a
titty bar, since Habib was too incompetent to find one.
17. K, "Man B, you're just dumb."
Debevick's, with a chaw in his mouth while our picture
was being taken.
2. D wearing that dumb paper "Eat At Ed's" hat
throughout the entire time at the restaurant.
3. Dirk complaining that it was the worst restaurant
he's ever been to.
4. The dumb ass waiter, ripping on our alcohol
consumption, then saying, "I can't bring another
pitcher over till you finish that one, this isn't a
bar." What a douche.
5. B getting lost at the Dueling Piano bar, D seeing
B from a distance standing by myself thinking, "What
the hell is B doing?"
6. Dirk also saying that this bar was horrible.
7. B busting a move on the dance floor at the next
bar, trying to score some tail.
8. K getting booted from a bar for apparently no
reason, Dirk then trying to cheer him up with a test
tube shot of Jager. K then vomits immediately after
taking the shot, then vomits again out the front door
prompting the bouncer to say, "Ohh man!"
9. B, "Hey guys what do you think, does this shirt
need to be ironed?" Shirt is hanging off the hanger
on one side. "No, but why the hell don't you hang
your shirt up better than that?" Marti, "You might
want to run an iron over those pants." D, "Yeah B,
what did you have those in a drawer?" Marti, "The way
he hangs things up, they might as well be in a
drawer."
10. D calling Dirk's shoes "Robin Hood" shoes. B
later taking a picture with them on, with a double two
finga and a thumb.
11. Dirk insisted that the Outlaw Country station be
turned on, featuring one bad song after another,
featuring some host named "Hillbilly Jim."
12. B doing a Dick Jauron, Dave Wannstedt, Lovie
Smith, and Madden impression to the lyrics of Papa
Roach. "Take my money, take my obsession, take my
possession, I don't need that shit."
13. Us taking a group photo, B giving yet another
two finga and a thumb pose.
14. B getting dressed at 2 in the afternoon. "I'm
gonna have to do it eventually, why not now? Later
I'll be sitting here, having a drink, watching
football, while you'll all be running around trying to
get ready." Later B was thoroughly mocked for that
statement.
15. The line being out the door and up the stairs for
the women's pisser. A number of chick's then wound up
in the men's pisser. The black dude working in the
shitter said, "Man, I don't mind them coming in at
all, they can come in all night man!"
16. Everyone except B, in a failed attempt to find a
titty bar, since Habib was too incompetent to find one.
17. K, "Man B, you're just dumb."
2009 NBA Fantasy Draft Hightlights/Quotes
1. Dirk telling anyone that would listen how pissed he was with each of his draft picks, saying his team was horrible. "I took white guys with my first 2 picks, what does that tell ya."
2. Parliament having a draft list with microscopic print, he had to hold the paper literally about and inch from his eye trying to read it. B, "Jesus Ben, you need a magnifying glass to read that damn thing." After asking B about a player on his list that B couldn't read since it was so small and blurred!
3. Haw drafting a player late in the draft then saying in all seriousness, "That was the best pick of the draft."
4. After a long discussion of how the payouts worked, Andy then asks, "How do the payouts work?" about 30 seconds later!
5. Dirk passing out on the couch, Joe gets Waylon to repeatedly jump on top of him to wake him up!
The following sequence of events, were likely the funniest to ever happen at a draft, which is saying a lot!
6. A foul smell starts in the apartment, prompting many to question the origin of the smell. At first it was dismissed that someone blew a nasty fart.
7. The smell gets worse, all of a sudden Dirk notices the cause, "Ben, don't move your right foot." B looks under the table where Ben was sitting and discovers the mother of all piles of shit on the carpet that Waylon left!
8. The entire place is horrified and erupts with laughter, the odor of the shit is enough to make you vomit. Dirk then jumps out of his chair to tend to the shit, causing Brotha's flannel to fall off the chair and right in the shit pile!
9. Dirk begins to clean it up, by scooping the huge logs of shit into an empty pizza box, then says, "Well, obviously he had to go."
10. There were also several dingleberries on the floor, one of which Brotha stepped in!
11. The following day at the Mr. & Mrs. S's household in Mo-Town, Joe and Dirk having a discussion about how punting should be eliminated from the game. Dirk, "A typical punt is about 47 yards, so just have it be like a 47 yard penalty if you turn it over on downs." After much discussion, while Joe is talking, Dirk cuts him off and yells, "Stop talking, stop thinking, and listen!"
2. Parliament having a draft list with microscopic print, he had to hold the paper literally about and inch from his eye trying to read it. B, "Jesus Ben, you need a magnifying glass to read that damn thing." After asking B about a player on his list that B couldn't read since it was so small and blurred!
3. Haw drafting a player late in the draft then saying in all seriousness, "That was the best pick of the draft."
4. After a long discussion of how the payouts worked, Andy then asks, "How do the payouts work?" about 30 seconds later!
5. Dirk passing out on the couch, Joe gets Waylon to repeatedly jump on top of him to wake him up!
The following sequence of events, were likely the funniest to ever happen at a draft, which is saying a lot!
6. A foul smell starts in the apartment, prompting many to question the origin of the smell. At first it was dismissed that someone blew a nasty fart.
7. The smell gets worse, all of a sudden Dirk notices the cause, "Ben, don't move your right foot." B looks under the table where Ben was sitting and discovers the mother of all piles of shit on the carpet that Waylon left!
8. The entire place is horrified and erupts with laughter, the odor of the shit is enough to make you vomit. Dirk then jumps out of his chair to tend to the shit, causing Brotha's flannel to fall off the chair and right in the shit pile!
9. Dirk begins to clean it up, by scooping the huge logs of shit into an empty pizza box, then says, "Well, obviously he had to go."
10. There were also several dingleberries on the floor, one of which Brotha stepped in!
11. The following day at the Mr. & Mrs. S's household in Mo-Town, Joe and Dirk having a discussion about how punting should be eliminated from the game. Dirk, "A typical punt is about 47 yards, so just have it be like a 47 yard penalty if you turn it over on downs." After much discussion, while Joe is talking, Dirk cuts him off and yells, "Stop talking, stop thinking, and listen!"
2009 Illinois-Missoura Highlights/Quotes
1. Friday night, Joe and Dre come over. Joe is
completely trashed after polishing off a bottle of So Co
(aka Sokey) nearly falls through the table, and falls
backwards on his ass on the steps. Gets pissed after
Stick and B started laughing, and leaves.
2. Wac sitting at the table, says to Stick and
Lyndsay Sue, "You guys okay with this?" Leans over to
blow a fart, sounds like a wet one. Wac, "I'm not ok
with this!" Then runs to the shitter!
3. The Illini tailgate at the Dome. Due to long
lines at the Port O Pots, all of us guys having to use cups
and bottles to urinate in. B tried using a bottle, but
accidentally pissed on his hand, had to pinch it off and
use a cup. Had to pinch it off several times due to
the cup being too small.
4. After B tossed a peanut in his mouth, shell and
all, Nicole gives a horrified look and says, "You took the
whole nut in your mouth, that's disgusting!" Wac
overhears and has to spit out his beer since he was laughing
his ass off!
5. Us nearly getting into a post game brawl with
Mizzou fans that were talking trash and rubbing our faces in
the Illini pathetic loss. As we were leaving, Stick
yelling at Mizzou fans out the window. "Hey nice game,
you guys were awesome today, go fuck yourself!"
6. Us drinking beer in the back of the truck as
Lindsay Sue drove us back to Bellevegas.
7. Dre talking about B adding her as a Facebook
friend, saying, "I was like, who the hell is this Mike Makie
guy?" That led to B being referred to as Mike Makie
the rest of the weekend, along with BG and Admiral.
8. Stick passing out in his room, later vomited all
over, forcing Lindsay Sue to sleep the rest of the night in
the living room. After vomiting, Stick rolled over
inadvertently and rolled in his own vomit!
9. The following day, Wac laughing at the puke stain,
and a brown poop like stain near it.
10. After puking in the room, Stick goes out to the
living room, lies down, then rips a very loud fart next to
Lindsay Sue.
11. Coad putting M & M's in the crock pot of
Italian beef that Wac was cooking. Wac later makes a
sandwich, bites into it, and gets a mouthful of Italian beef
and M & M's.
12. A half eaten sandwich later found in one of Wac's
cabinets.
13. At Dre's house, Dre getting totally trashed and
stumbling around the patio deck. Later strips down to
her bra and panties and jumps in the hot tub with all of
us!
14. The Stick going to Six Flags St. Louis with
Lindsay Sue, nearly puked on the Batman ride.
15. Wac for some reason saying that B's job entails
being a park ranger.
completely trashed after polishing off a bottle of So Co
(aka Sokey) nearly falls through the table, and falls
backwards on his ass on the steps. Gets pissed after
Stick and B started laughing, and leaves.
2. Wac sitting at the table, says to Stick and
Lyndsay Sue, "You guys okay with this?" Leans over to
blow a fart, sounds like a wet one. Wac, "I'm not ok
with this!" Then runs to the shitter!
3. The Illini tailgate at the Dome. Due to long
lines at the Port O Pots, all of us guys having to use cups
and bottles to urinate in. B tried using a bottle, but
accidentally pissed on his hand, had to pinch it off and
use a cup. Had to pinch it off several times due to
the cup being too small.
4. After B tossed a peanut in his mouth, shell and
all, Nicole gives a horrified look and says, "You took the
whole nut in your mouth, that's disgusting!" Wac
overhears and has to spit out his beer since he was laughing
his ass off!
5. Us nearly getting into a post game brawl with
Mizzou fans that were talking trash and rubbing our faces in
the Illini pathetic loss. As we were leaving, Stick
yelling at Mizzou fans out the window. "Hey nice game,
you guys were awesome today, go fuck yourself!"
6. Us drinking beer in the back of the truck as
Lindsay Sue drove us back to Bellevegas.
7. Dre talking about B adding her as a Facebook
friend, saying, "I was like, who the hell is this Mike Makie
guy?" That led to B being referred to as Mike Makie
the rest of the weekend, along with BG and Admiral.
8. Stick passing out in his room, later vomited all
over, forcing Lindsay Sue to sleep the rest of the night in
the living room. After vomiting, Stick rolled over
inadvertently and rolled in his own vomit!
9. The following day, Wac laughing at the puke stain,
and a brown poop like stain near it.
10. After puking in the room, Stick goes out to the
living room, lies down, then rips a very loud fart next to
Lindsay Sue.
11. Coad putting M & M's in the crock pot of
Italian beef that Wac was cooking. Wac later makes a
sandwich, bites into it, and gets a mouthful of Italian beef
and M & M's.
12. A half eaten sandwich later found in one of Wac's
cabinets.
13. At Dre's house, Dre getting totally trashed and
stumbling around the patio deck. Later strips down to
her bra and panties and jumps in the hot tub with all of
us!
14. The Stick going to Six Flags St. Louis with
Lindsay Sue, nearly puked on the Batman ride.
15. Wac for some reason saying that B's job entails
being a park ranger.
Football Draft 2009 Highlights/Quotes
1. Wac and B in a cab heading home from that bar in River North, Wac strikes up sexual conversation with the black female cab driver. Starts off with him saying to B, "I gotta wash my hands after this." B, "Why?". Wac, "Cause there is probably cum all over this seat. Hey, has anyone ever made love in your cab?" Driver, "No, have you done that?" Wac, "Yeah."
2. Wac and B staying up till 5am when they kept saying earlier that they needed to get some decent sleep to avoid a hangover Saturday.
3. After picking up D, we see some Jewish people walking down the sidewalk. I forget exactly what D said, but made some hilarious off the wall comments!
4. At the game, Wac drops an F bomb within ear shot of the Party. Marti turns to B and says, "Tell Wac to stop dropping F bombs." B tells Wac and he responds with, "Ok mom."
5. Wac unable to find an ATizzle after walking around the park for nearly 2 innings, refuses to participate in the dollar game due to lack of cash.
6. Wac repeatedly saying "Heeeehhhh" to everything Marti was saying. Marti eventually gets assed up and threatens to kick Wac's ass if he does it again. Wac responds with, "Heeeehhhh!"
7. D throughout the game giving B shit for not setting the DVR for the race, B responds with, "Who gives a shit, what are you going to miss the first lap of 267?" We get back in plenty of time, then later on D loses interest and doesn't even see the end of it!
8. Wac doing a David Letterman/Larry King style interview with D concerning his possible move to Dallas.
9. Wac, completely shitfaced, gets up from the couch, starts falling forward towards the coffee table like Chris Farley in the beginning of Tommy Boy. Somehow, he rights himself and does a forward flip missing the coffee table and landing on his head. He then sat down and started moaning, "Ohh my head!" B then gets him an ice pack for his head, he then proceeds to pass out shorty thereafter, classic moment!
10. Out at Mullen's, Marti completeley bombed after we all took a shot of Jack, disappeared for a little while, B then notices him standing around by himself, staring off into space with his mouth open!
11. Marti falling and stumbling on his way home, fell on his ass causing him to have a sore ass and dirty jeans the next day.
12. Marti cooking up a burrito in the microwave, eats about half of it, then passes out!
13. B going to sleep, all of a sudden Marti comes in the room a short while later, slurring, "Hey B, you gotta a blanket for me to use, I'm fuckin freezing!"
14. D comes in early in the morning, lays down next to B. Later B asks him to cuddle, but he refused, stating it was because I ripped ass about 10 times in a half hour, Ha!
15. D the following morning, showing Wac and B all of Eck's ridiculous pictures on Facebook, nearly died at D's interpretation of them!
16. Wac looking at his ticket with a picture of Ernie Banks on the ticket. "Is this Hank Greenberg?"
17. B stating on the vator ride up, "Man, I gotta urinate like a race horse!" D then pulls on my shorts, to the point of breaking the button off them!
2. Wac and B staying up till 5am when they kept saying earlier that they needed to get some decent sleep to avoid a hangover Saturday.
3. After picking up D, we see some Jewish people walking down the sidewalk. I forget exactly what D said, but made some hilarious off the wall comments!
4. At the game, Wac drops an F bomb within ear shot of the Party. Marti turns to B and says, "Tell Wac to stop dropping F bombs." B tells Wac and he responds with, "Ok mom."
5. Wac unable to find an ATizzle after walking around the park for nearly 2 innings, refuses to participate in the dollar game due to lack of cash.
6. Wac repeatedly saying "Heeeehhhh" to everything Marti was saying. Marti eventually gets assed up and threatens to kick Wac's ass if he does it again. Wac responds with, "Heeeehhhh!"
7. D throughout the game giving B shit for not setting the DVR for the race, B responds with, "Who gives a shit, what are you going to miss the first lap of 267?" We get back in plenty of time, then later on D loses interest and doesn't even see the end of it!
8. Wac doing a David Letterman/Larry King style interview with D concerning his possible move to Dallas.
9. Wac, completely shitfaced, gets up from the couch, starts falling forward towards the coffee table like Chris Farley in the beginning of Tommy Boy. Somehow, he rights himself and does a forward flip missing the coffee table and landing on his head. He then sat down and started moaning, "Ohh my head!" B then gets him an ice pack for his head, he then proceeds to pass out shorty thereafter, classic moment!
10. Out at Mullen's, Marti completeley bombed after we all took a shot of Jack, disappeared for a little while, B then notices him standing around by himself, staring off into space with his mouth open!
11. Marti falling and stumbling on his way home, fell on his ass causing him to have a sore ass and dirty jeans the next day.
12. Marti cooking up a burrito in the microwave, eats about half of it, then passes out!
13. B going to sleep, all of a sudden Marti comes in the room a short while later, slurring, "Hey B, you gotta a blanket for me to use, I'm fuckin freezing!"
14. D comes in early in the morning, lays down next to B. Later B asks him to cuddle, but he refused, stating it was because I ripped ass about 10 times in a half hour, Ha!
15. D the following morning, showing Wac and B all of Eck's ridiculous pictures on Facebook, nearly died at D's interpretation of them!
16. Wac looking at his ticket with a picture of Ernie Banks on the ticket. "Is this Hank Greenberg?"
17. B stating on the vator ride up, "Man, I gotta urinate like a race horse!" D then pulls on my shorts, to the point of breaking the button off them!
Monday, February 1, 2010
Fantasy Baseball Highlights/Quotes
1. Marti asking for quiet, then delivering a speech thanking everyone for attending. Wac then chimes in with, "What are you going to cry?" to the Party.
2. Wac saying Marti looked like someone from Make A Wish Foundation, while the Party was laying in bed drafting his squad.
3. Marti taking Mark DeRosa in the 5th round, which was met with a collective silence in the room. Marti, "Well, I guess that was a shit pick."
4. D getting extremely assed up when his job propects were brought up by K and Wac. D was in the tanked and fired up mood. D, "I'm not moving to St. Louis, it's glorified Bloomington!"
5. Wac pushing Marti to the floor, Marti hurting his back after hitting the chair. Not sure what prompted Wac to do that.
6. Coad breaking out the pimp Cardinals robe. Actually a cool robe, despite the fact it is a Cardinal robe. Then taking some catcher in the 6th round that no one had heard of.
7. After Steinhaus had to write in the name Coad took, B turned to D and started laughing hysterically saying, "Normally we may have to write in a name at the end of the draft, not in the 6th round!"
8. Wac drafting 4 players already taken, D drafting 2. After D took his first player that was already off the board, D erupted with, "Fuck it, I'll put a 100 bucks in there, I'll take 100 more players that have already been picked!"
9. At the bar, Wac in an extremely tanked state, got cut off from more booze. Later got the heave ho.
10. B playing pool with a chaw in, spat a huge dip spit in the corner. Someone says, "Hey, don't do that, that guy right there is watching us, he works here." B’s response, "Who gives a fuck?"
11. While playing pool, Wac comes over several times and starts trying to advise B how to play pool properly, most of it was slurred gibberish.
12. B looks over and sees K drop his beer off the pool table on the floor, foams up and starts spraying out the top. Apparently K did this again later.
13. Coad hooking up with some cougar.
14. D and B sharing the pull out bed, barely big enough for one person much less 2. But the only other option was sharing the king size bed with Marti and Dirk. After B layed down, B jokingly put his arm around D and said, "Hi there sweetie." D, "Ahh, get away ya queer!"
15. Marti mistaking Dirk for his woman, trying to snuggle up with him. Reminds B of the classic scene from Planes, Trains, and Automobiles. Marti is John Candy, Dirk is Steve Martin. Dirk, "Marti, why did you just kiss my ear?" Marti, "Why are you holding my hand?" Dirk, "Where's you other hand?" Marti, "Between 2 pillows." Dirk, "Those aren't pillows!!!!!! Ahh!!!!!" "See that Bears game last week, helluva game, helluva game, Bears going all the way this year."
16. Marti up at the ass crack of dawn, making noise and opening the drapes. D gets extremely pissed and storms out of the room with Haw.
17. Marti, "Come on B, get ready we gotta go, we gotta get to the free breakfast in the lobby." B starts envisioning a nice breakfast spread with eggs, bacon, sausage, hash browns, omlettes made to order. Instead it's stale doughnuts and hard boiled eggs.
18. While we were sitting there, all of us collectively kept ripping ass while we were talking. When we got there, the place was crowded, after about 10 minutes it was cleared out, wonder why.
19. On our way home, Bob was talking to Josie. "I already took a shower this morning, but I slept next to Haus last night, so I think I need another one."
2. Wac saying Marti looked like someone from Make A Wish Foundation, while the Party was laying in bed drafting his squad.
3. Marti taking Mark DeRosa in the 5th round, which was met with a collective silence in the room. Marti, "Well, I guess that was a shit pick."
4. D getting extremely assed up when his job propects were brought up by K and Wac. D was in the tanked and fired up mood. D, "I'm not moving to St. Louis, it's glorified Bloomington!"
5. Wac pushing Marti to the floor, Marti hurting his back after hitting the chair. Not sure what prompted Wac to do that.
6. Coad breaking out the pimp Cardinals robe. Actually a cool robe, despite the fact it is a Cardinal robe. Then taking some catcher in the 6th round that no one had heard of.
7. After Steinhaus had to write in the name Coad took, B turned to D and started laughing hysterically saying, "Normally we may have to write in a name at the end of the draft, not in the 6th round!"
8. Wac drafting 4 players already taken, D drafting 2. After D took his first player that was already off the board, D erupted with, "Fuck it, I'll put a 100 bucks in there, I'll take 100 more players that have already been picked!"
9. At the bar, Wac in an extremely tanked state, got cut off from more booze. Later got the heave ho.
10. B playing pool with a chaw in, spat a huge dip spit in the corner. Someone says, "Hey, don't do that, that guy right there is watching us, he works here." B’s response, "Who gives a fuck?"
11. While playing pool, Wac comes over several times and starts trying to advise B how to play pool properly, most of it was slurred gibberish.
12. B looks over and sees K drop his beer off the pool table on the floor, foams up and starts spraying out the top. Apparently K did this again later.
13. Coad hooking up with some cougar.
14. D and B sharing the pull out bed, barely big enough for one person much less 2. But the only other option was sharing the king size bed with Marti and Dirk. After B layed down, B jokingly put his arm around D and said, "Hi there sweetie." D, "Ahh, get away ya queer!"
15. Marti mistaking Dirk for his woman, trying to snuggle up with him. Reminds B of the classic scene from Planes, Trains, and Automobiles. Marti is John Candy, Dirk is Steve Martin. Dirk, "Marti, why did you just kiss my ear?" Marti, "Why are you holding my hand?" Dirk, "Where's you other hand?" Marti, "Between 2 pillows." Dirk, "Those aren't pillows!!!!!! Ahh!!!!!" "See that Bears game last week, helluva game, helluva game, Bears going all the way this year."
16. Marti up at the ass crack of dawn, making noise and opening the drapes. D gets extremely pissed and storms out of the room with Haw.
17. Marti, "Come on B, get ready we gotta go, we gotta get to the free breakfast in the lobby." B starts envisioning a nice breakfast spread with eggs, bacon, sausage, hash browns, omlettes made to order. Instead it's stale doughnuts and hard boiled eggs.
18. While we were sitting there, all of us collectively kept ripping ass while we were talking. When we got there, the place was crowded, after about 10 minutes it was cleared out, wonder why.
19. On our way home, Bob was talking to Josie. "I already took a shower this morning, but I slept next to Haus last night, so I think I need another one."
Brotha's Wedding Highlights/Quotes
1. Shortly after dinner began, Marti turned to B
with a big smile and said, "We're gonna get drunk
tonight."
2. Marti offering to give the waitress 20 bucks if
she would get us some booze, turned down.
3. Marti asking Dirk to get us some booze. Dirk,
"Alright man, I gotcha covered." A few minutes later
Dirk’s back at the main table, us still without
booze.
4. Waitress asks us how we like our steaks prepared.
After B requested medium, Marti chimes in with, "Yeah
he likes it raw, straight off the horse." Amy S.
looks at Marti in horror and says, "We're not having
horse meat!"
5. As D and B were talking, Dirk walks by and crop
dusts them. D, "I think he just crop dusted us, he did,
that's disgusting!"
6. Later on, B looked around and made sure no one was
close and the music was loud at the time, so he unleashed
a big fart.
7. Later someone wanted to do the wave, Brotha
quickly put a stop to that by saying, "We're not doing
the wave."
8. Haw doing an excellent Eck impression by doing
Eck's voice while singing "Boot Scoot Boogie."
9. Mel coming through big time with my name card
that read, Bob "Maki Roll" Gordon.
10. D continuing to sing "Members Only" to B, asking
him why he dressed like Arthur Fonzerelli.
11. Marti, "Look at that chick playing the music,
look at the shadow on the wall from her, it's like a
damn eclipse." B lost it after seeing the shadow on
the wall.
12. Nick Denny and B laughing that the band from "Old
School" should have been hired. "I fuckin need to
know tonight, I fuckin need you more than ever."
13. Marti and D having a dance contest that B missed
unfortunately due to getting a beer and taking a piss.
14. Dean's girlfriend about Dean, "He's good in
bed, but can't dance worth shit." Maybe the quote of
the night right there.
15. B doing some great dancing to "Stayin' Alive" on
the dance floor.
16. Marti telling anyone that would listen that any
dude that could dance Michael Jackson's Thriller would
get laid by any broad in the place.
17. Some relatively attractive blonde chick
apparently flashing the kids table.
18. Some older large woman spittin some game at B,
and practically groping him.
19. Dirk sleeping at the bar afterward.
20. B defeating Haw at Golden Tee after Haw 3 putted
from 10 feet away.
21. Some older dude letting out loud belches on the
bus from the reception back to the hotel.
22. B and Dirk sharing a small pullout bed that
night. B wakes up next to Dirk and asks, "Are you still
wearing your tux?" Dirk, "Parts of it. I don't have
any bottoms on." B instantly was grossed out thinking
that he had shared a bed with a dude in close quarters
that had no bottoms on. Luckily he was kidding.
23. Dirk losing his credit card once again, and being
unable to find his "Robin Hood" shoes the following
day, being forced to wear his tux shoes with jeans
down to breakfast.
24. Dirk, "Don't spill that plate Marti." Marti was
very carefully carrying a plate with nothing on it.
25. Wac's drunken voicemail at 8am. "Drinking Red
Bull and orange juice, getting tanked again." Then
saying fuck it about 10 times, and concluding with,
"Bye, faggot."
with a big smile and said, "We're gonna get drunk
tonight."
2. Marti offering to give the waitress 20 bucks if
she would get us some booze, turned down.
3. Marti asking Dirk to get us some booze. Dirk,
"Alright man, I gotcha covered." A few minutes later
Dirk’s back at the main table, us still without
booze.
4. Waitress asks us how we like our steaks prepared.
After B requested medium, Marti chimes in with, "Yeah
he likes it raw, straight off the horse." Amy S.
looks at Marti in horror and says, "We're not having
horse meat!"
5. As D and B were talking, Dirk walks by and crop
dusts them. D, "I think he just crop dusted us, he did,
that's disgusting!"
6. Later on, B looked around and made sure no one was
close and the music was loud at the time, so he unleashed
a big fart.
7. Later someone wanted to do the wave, Brotha
quickly put a stop to that by saying, "We're not doing
the wave."
8. Haw doing an excellent Eck impression by doing
Eck's voice while singing "Boot Scoot Boogie."
9. Mel coming through big time with my name card
that read, Bob "Maki Roll" Gordon.
10. D continuing to sing "Members Only" to B, asking
him why he dressed like Arthur Fonzerelli.
11. Marti, "Look at that chick playing the music,
look at the shadow on the wall from her, it's like a
damn eclipse." B lost it after seeing the shadow on
the wall.
12. Nick Denny and B laughing that the band from "Old
School" should have been hired. "I fuckin need to
know tonight, I fuckin need you more than ever."
13. Marti and D having a dance contest that B missed
unfortunately due to getting a beer and taking a piss.
14. Dean's girlfriend about Dean, "He's good in
bed, but can't dance worth shit." Maybe the quote of
the night right there.
15. B doing some great dancing to "Stayin' Alive" on
the dance floor.
16. Marti telling anyone that would listen that any
dude that could dance Michael Jackson's Thriller would
get laid by any broad in the place.
17. Some relatively attractive blonde chick
apparently flashing the kids table.
18. Some older large woman spittin some game at B,
and practically groping him.
19. Dirk sleeping at the bar afterward.
20. B defeating Haw at Golden Tee after Haw 3 putted
from 10 feet away.
21. Some older dude letting out loud belches on the
bus from the reception back to the hotel.
22. B and Dirk sharing a small pullout bed that
night. B wakes up next to Dirk and asks, "Are you still
wearing your tux?" Dirk, "Parts of it. I don't have
any bottoms on." B instantly was grossed out thinking
that he had shared a bed with a dude in close quarters
that had no bottoms on. Luckily he was kidding.
23. Dirk losing his credit card once again, and being
unable to find his "Robin Hood" shoes the following
day, being forced to wear his tux shoes with jeans
down to breakfast.
24. Dirk, "Don't spill that plate Marti." Marti was
very carefully carrying a plate with nothing on it.
25. Wac's drunken voicemail at 8am. "Drinking Red
Bull and orange juice, getting tanked again." Then
saying fuck it about 10 times, and concluding with,
"Bye, faggot."
Fantasy Baseball Draft Night
1. No more than 30 seconds after entering the door, D
started calling B Arthur Fonzerelli and saying that he
was wearing a Members Only jacket. Funny considering
that B doesn't believe they ever made a Members Only
leather jacket.
2. Fuckstick giving B advice on who to draft,
prompting Marti to get assed up and made a rule saying
no more advice from outside sources.
3. Dirk, "Well, this goes against everything I stand
for, but give me Derek Jeter. There's probably at
least 100 players better, but I'll take him. Last
year I had the best player at every position and
didn't come close to winning."
4. Yet another long debate about whether one of us
could hit Johan or other various MLB pitchers.
5. D having his draft setup right next to the
shitter, with Fuckstick later laying on the floor in
the shitter with only his head sticking out the door.
6. Bob and D getting into a war of words over the
phone. D was already in his tanked and fired up mood.
7. The draft taking an unbelieveably long 5 hours,
longest in history.
8. Coad frequently taking his teeth out during the
draft while sitting on the cooler.
9. Bob for whatever reason yelling and swearing at
B, Marti, and others for apparently "fucking me over"
10. B and Wac getting turned down left and right by
some black chicks at that bar. One of them said to B
as he approached her while dancing mind you, "I didn't
come here to dance." She said that with a dirty look
in my direction. Not good!
11. The stripper at Club Caberit sticking B’s face in
her twat.
12. After it was announced that you would have to
take a shot, and donate a dollar to the pot, K
enthusistically gave his support in the event someone
took a player already taken. Later he proceeded to
violate the rule twice.
13. B, Wac, and Fuckstick doing some awesome
dancing at another bar we went to.
14. Us going to the casino at 4am, seeing Coad win
some good loot at the roulette table.
15. Us then getting stranded at the casino, since
there were no cabs, then Wac spotted some couple he
knew, totally out of the blue, and we luckily got a
ride back to the hotel.
16. Apparently there was some loud noise coming from
the shitter that morning, B didn't hear it, but
everyone else did. Marti got extremely assed up and
stormed down to the front desk to bitch about it.
B wishes he had tape recorded that conversation.
started calling B Arthur Fonzerelli and saying that he
was wearing a Members Only jacket. Funny considering
that B doesn't believe they ever made a Members Only
leather jacket.
2. Fuckstick giving B advice on who to draft,
prompting Marti to get assed up and made a rule saying
no more advice from outside sources.
3. Dirk, "Well, this goes against everything I stand
for, but give me Derek Jeter. There's probably at
least 100 players better, but I'll take him. Last
year I had the best player at every position and
didn't come close to winning."
4. Yet another long debate about whether one of us
could hit Johan or other various MLB pitchers.
5. D having his draft setup right next to the
shitter, with Fuckstick later laying on the floor in
the shitter with only his head sticking out the door.
6. Bob and D getting into a war of words over the
phone. D was already in his tanked and fired up mood.
7. The draft taking an unbelieveably long 5 hours,
longest in history.
8. Coad frequently taking his teeth out during the
draft while sitting on the cooler.
9. Bob for whatever reason yelling and swearing at
B, Marti, and others for apparently "fucking me over"
10. B and Wac getting turned down left and right by
some black chicks at that bar. One of them said to B
as he approached her while dancing mind you, "I didn't
come here to dance." She said that with a dirty look
in my direction. Not good!
11. The stripper at Club Caberit sticking B’s face in
her twat.
12. After it was announced that you would have to
take a shot, and donate a dollar to the pot, K
enthusistically gave his support in the event someone
took a player already taken. Later he proceeded to
violate the rule twice.
13. B, Wac, and Fuckstick doing some awesome
dancing at another bar we went to.
14. Us going to the casino at 4am, seeing Coad win
some good loot at the roulette table.
15. Us then getting stranded at the casino, since
there were no cabs, then Wac spotted some couple he
knew, totally out of the blue, and we luckily got a
ride back to the hotel.
16. Apparently there was some loud noise coming from
the shitter that morning, B didn't hear it, but
everyone else did. Marti got extremely assed up and
stormed down to the front desk to bitch about it.
B wishes he had tape recorded that conversation.
Nashvegas Highlight's/Quotes
1. D saying the word penis very loudly in the Midway
airport, causing some old lady to look at him strangely.
2. B on arriving in the Nashvegas airport, "Man I
gotta piss real bad, hopefully there won't be any
Larry Craig types doing the toe tap under the stall
where I go."
3. D mocking B for how he was talking on the phone to
his dad after arriving in Nashville.
4. B telling Boog, Dirk, and D about my disbelief of
global warming being caused by humans.
5. After a meal of mexican sausage and refriend
beans, B had horrible gas at the first bar we went to
afterward.
6. D and Dirk offering B 50 bucks to go dance with
two hot chicks at a country bar on Broadway, later
they declined when I said I would do it.
7. Later all of us piled into a cab, got kicked out
after trying to get the driver to go in the Jack In
The Box drive thru.
8. B getting his right hand slammed in the cab door,
luckily nothing was broken.
9. Everyone passed out on the couches, B passes out in
Boog's bed. Originally B laid down on the floor, but
Waylon kept licking him and sniffing him, so B got up
and moved to Boog's bed since he was passed out on the
couch. Upon informing Dirk of this the next day, he
replied, "I don't buy it, he would have just gone away
if you ignored him."
10. Boog and B the following morning exchanging loud
smelly farts.
11. Discussing x ray machines at the airport, Dirk
wondering how the x ray works, and why couldn't you
wrap up a gun in many shirts and not be detected.
Boog explained the x ray can see through it, prompting
Dirk to say, "If you can see everything you really
can't see anything."
12. Dirk at the first sports bar we were at on
Sunday, "The point is, this game is just not
very.....Whoah!!!!!!!" After catching a whiff of a
horrible fart blown by their friend from Vanderbilt, B
forgot his name.
13. The guy sitting at the table behind him, upon
smelling the fart, "Man, someone dropped butt
seriously."
14. Dirk on the phone with the Marti Party, "Because
I don't have any fucking money man." He then says to
some old bag, "Ohh, sorry about the language" then
goes back to Marti, "Fuckin A man."
15. Dirk later on at Sam's sports bar, revealing that
he nailed two different chicks that work there.
16. D and Dirk hanging out on the back porch, smoking
cigars, Dirk drops his cigar in a gutter loaded with
dry leaves. D, "I think the fire department might be
out here tonight." Luckily nothing happened.
17. Monday morning, Boog and B exchange farts again,
Boog, "Man, there's been a lot of gas blown in here
this weekend."
18. Boog's incredibly loud nose blowing.
19. Dirk passing out Sunday night in an upright
position on the couch, with open beers in each hand.
20. Boog crushing all the empty cans for recycling,
Dirk asks him what he's doing. "I'm separting the
cans for recycling, something you never do." "I don't
believe in it, it all goes to the same place, the
junkyard." "You don't believe in recycling, B doesn't
believe in global warming, what's next?"
21. At the bar on Sunday, B was mentioning how much
money he blew Saturday night, D said he was in the same
boat. D, "I was buying rounds of shots, you didn't
buy any shots you cheap bastard." B, "What's wrong
with buying beer?"
22. B on numerous occasions trying to dodge Waylon
by juking him out, prompting Dirk to say, "That's
never gonna work B."
airport, causing some old lady to look at him strangely.
2. B on arriving in the Nashvegas airport, "Man I
gotta piss real bad, hopefully there won't be any
Larry Craig types doing the toe tap under the stall
where I go."
3. D mocking B for how he was talking on the phone to
his dad after arriving in Nashville.
4. B telling Boog, Dirk, and D about my disbelief of
global warming being caused by humans.
5. After a meal of mexican sausage and refriend
beans, B had horrible gas at the first bar we went to
afterward.
6. D and Dirk offering B 50 bucks to go dance with
two hot chicks at a country bar on Broadway, later
they declined when I said I would do it.
7. Later all of us piled into a cab, got kicked out
after trying to get the driver to go in the Jack In
The Box drive thru.
8. B getting his right hand slammed in the cab door,
luckily nothing was broken.
9. Everyone passed out on the couches, B passes out in
Boog's bed. Originally B laid down on the floor, but
Waylon kept licking him and sniffing him, so B got up
and moved to Boog's bed since he was passed out on the
couch. Upon informing Dirk of this the next day, he
replied, "I don't buy it, he would have just gone away
if you ignored him."
10. Boog and B the following morning exchanging loud
smelly farts.
11. Discussing x ray machines at the airport, Dirk
wondering how the x ray works, and why couldn't you
wrap up a gun in many shirts and not be detected.
Boog explained the x ray can see through it, prompting
Dirk to say, "If you can see everything you really
can't see anything."
12. Dirk at the first sports bar we were at on
Sunday, "The point is, this game is just not
very.....Whoah!!!!!!!" After catching a whiff of a
horrible fart blown by their friend from Vanderbilt, B
forgot his name.
13. The guy sitting at the table behind him, upon
smelling the fart, "Man, someone dropped butt
seriously."
14. Dirk on the phone with the Marti Party, "Because
I don't have any fucking money man." He then says to
some old bag, "Ohh, sorry about the language" then
goes back to Marti, "Fuckin A man."
15. Dirk later on at Sam's sports bar, revealing that
he nailed two different chicks that work there.
16. D and Dirk hanging out on the back porch, smoking
cigars, Dirk drops his cigar in a gutter loaded with
dry leaves. D, "I think the fire department might be
out here tonight." Luckily nothing happened.
17. Monday morning, Boog and B exchange farts again,
Boog, "Man, there's been a lot of gas blown in here
this weekend."
18. Boog's incredibly loud nose blowing.
19. Dirk passing out Sunday night in an upright
position on the couch, with open beers in each hand.
20. Boog crushing all the empty cans for recycling,
Dirk asks him what he's doing. "I'm separting the
cans for recycling, something you never do." "I don't
believe in it, it all goes to the same place, the
junkyard." "You don't believe in recycling, B doesn't
believe in global warming, what's next?"
21. At the bar on Sunday, B was mentioning how much
money he blew Saturday night, D said he was in the same
boat. D, "I was buying rounds of shots, you didn't
buy any shots you cheap bastard." B, "What's wrong
with buying beer?"
22. B on numerous occasions trying to dodge Waylon
by juking him out, prompting Dirk to say, "That's
never gonna work B."
Big Ben's Wedding
1. B, "Is that bar open, it is!" Upon seeing someone get served a drink. Then a long line ensues
thereafter.
2. Eck referring to Monty's wife as the beast.
3. Dirk talking to his female cousin's, goes into his wallet to give his cousin some card, and out comes a
condom onto the floor. After he picks up the condom, turns to B and says, "Whoa, that's a little embarrassing."
4. Dirk getting annoyed that he choked up during the speech, "I choked up like a little girl." It was a
great speech Dirk.
5. B, "Where's your coat D?" "I didn't wear one, it's 90 degrees outside you think I'm going to wear a
coat."
6. D telling Carl to go over and ask Val to dance. Carl goes over, Val turns him down!
7. Those drunk chicks at the hotel that came over, then left, then came back again.
8. B changing clothes in the parking lot again, having his backpack on him.
9. D continuously ripping on B’s backpack, asking him when his hiking expedition was?
10. D later referring to B as Spiderman for changing clothes in the parking lot.
11. B asking D numerous times why he still had his suit pants on this morning.
12. Pudge saying, "Ohh this is an awkward pose" while looking at B and D in the bed.
13. Dirk sleeping on his side, still in his tux.
14. "Look at Dirk, he's still dressed in his tux." "Fuck you B."
15. Dirk, "Why are we getting up so early?" Boog, "Because, we have that brunch to go to for the
family." D, "Isn't a brunch a little later in the day?" Dirk, "Well, I gotta get up."
16. Eck sitting in the chair at 10:30, shitfaced. "Eck you want another beer?" "No, I'm done, I'm getting a ride soon."
thereafter.
2. Eck referring to Monty's wife as the beast.
3. Dirk talking to his female cousin's, goes into his wallet to give his cousin some card, and out comes a
condom onto the floor. After he picks up the condom, turns to B and says, "Whoa, that's a little embarrassing."
4. Dirk getting annoyed that he choked up during the speech, "I choked up like a little girl." It was a
great speech Dirk.
5. B, "Where's your coat D?" "I didn't wear one, it's 90 degrees outside you think I'm going to wear a
coat."
6. D telling Carl to go over and ask Val to dance. Carl goes over, Val turns him down!
7. Those drunk chicks at the hotel that came over, then left, then came back again.
8. B changing clothes in the parking lot again, having his backpack on him.
9. D continuously ripping on B’s backpack, asking him when his hiking expedition was?
10. D later referring to B as Spiderman for changing clothes in the parking lot.
11. B asking D numerous times why he still had his suit pants on this morning.
12. Pudge saying, "Ohh this is an awkward pose" while looking at B and D in the bed.
13. Dirk sleeping on his side, still in his tux.
14. "Look at Dirk, he's still dressed in his tux." "Fuck you B."
15. Dirk, "Why are we getting up so early?" Boog, "Because, we have that brunch to go to for the
family." D, "Isn't a brunch a little later in the day?" Dirk, "Well, I gotta get up."
16. Eck sitting in the chair at 10:30, shitfaced. "Eck you want another beer?" "No, I'm done, I'm getting a ride soon."
Vegas Highlight's/Quotes
1. D and B mowing down the buffet at Caesars's Palace.
2. All the amazing talent at the Mirage pool, the Mirage and just about everywhere.
3. Eck sitting at the pool with no shirt on, getting burned to a crisp. Eck, "I don't care, I want a nice tan to go home with."
4. B winning 160 bucks playing black jack, then losing it all back and more.
5. At the Casino Royale, playing Blackjack Switch, D asks B how he’s doing. B looks back at him with a blank look, and gives no response. D then says to
Pudge, "I don't think B is doing very well."
6. B drunkenly stumbling into the Mirage nightclub, trying to talk to Dirk on the phone. B’s telling Dirk that he’s at a club at the Mirage. Dirk thinks he said he’s at a club ready to mosh.
7. B crawling into the bed at the end of the night. D happens to be in there, thinks he’s Jay, or as D calls him Boog. D, "Hey Boog, that you? Ohh B, that's you." Later B questions D why he's called Boog, and B keep calling him Booger.
8. At McDonald's the next day, some deaf broad is walking around handing out American flag pins to raise money for deafness. Pudge then asks, "How do you say no thanks in sign language?"
9. Dirk at a restaurant across from the Mirage, "Man, someone needs to shut that baby up." "Maybe he has collach, my son had that." "Yeah Ben was a collachy baby." Dirk, "Does that have something to do with his hair?"
10. D pushing B to get his video taken on this motorcycle with a video playing in the background. (One of those things where it makes it look like you're riding a motorcycle through the streets of a city) During the video, B mostly gave the two finger and a thumb pose, while the chick was telling him to lean back on the bike and say, "Whoa, whoa." D was laughing so hard he nearly fell down.
11. Some dickhead giving Dirk shit about how he was playing blackjack at the Casino Royale.
12. B sitting down, donating money to the Wheel of Fortune slots at the Royale, D comes over after B blew a big fart into the seat. "Ohh B, are you cooking them off over here?" "I am!" "Ohh my!"
13. Dirk getting an economy sized package of condoms, 30 condoms in total, and taking them all out of the package and stuffing them in his pockets before entering the Spearmint Rhino tity bar. As D said to him, "I don't know what you have planned for tonight Dirk."
14. Jay, aka Boog, providing a great quote. As we were discussing t.v. shows in the Mirage sports book, Boog says, "Curb Your Enthusiasm is a top 3 show on television, I haven't seen it in years though."
15. Mr. S., while we were in the Spearmint Rhino, answers D's question as to where Dirk was. D, "Where's Dirk?" Mr. S., "He's over there, standing
next to A.J." D, "A.J.?" Mr. S., "Yeah, your buddy that you came out here with." D, "Ohh you mean BG." Mr. S., "Yeah, whatever."
16. B sitting in the Mirage pool hot tub with some 50 something year old guys, and one incredibly hot chick. As she leaves and says bye to them, one of the guys goes, "Man, what an ass on that one."
17. In the Vegas aeropuerto the following day, D and B for some reason were discussing past Police Academy movies, and dying laughing at the one scene where Mahoney switches out the guys shampoo for super glue. "Ohh, I'm gonna be captain. Ahhh!" As his fingers get glued into his hair.
18. D, "Man, I gotta go take a shit. When I fart 2 times in a row, and they smell that bad, it's time to go."
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